The Danger of Emotional Affairs

Betrayal of Trust

Aug 21, 2007
Cherie Burbach

Can men and women really ever be friends? Or will a close relationship with the opposite sex be the downfall of your relationship?

There is a movement that exists in dating today that is redefining the true boundaries of infidelity. Not that cheating was ever okay on any level, but today people are more aware of limitations than ever before. It used to be that men and women were discouraged from forging friendships. As time went on, however, people began working together and close relationships followed behind. Under most circumstances, this is fine, as men and women can have perfectly platonic friendships. But there are times when the association between friends crosses the boundary of what’s acceptable.

What Is Emotional Cheating?

An emotional affair begins when one partner has an extremely close relationship with a person of the opposite sex that transforms from regular friendship to something more. Instead of just hanging around platonically, the partner begins having feelings of attraction for the other person. Generally they begin talking intimately about things they should only be discussing with their significant other. They flirt with the other person, and behave inappropriately. They may withdraw from their partner. Unlike a cyber affair they do see the other person, sometimes having lunches or dinners or even just meeting somewhere for coffee. They behave in a manner that is secretive and hurtful, keeping information from their partner and sneaking off to have private email or phone time with the other person.

Why Is It Bad?

Some may argue that since emotional affairs fall just short of physical cheating they aren’t really all that bad. But this is incorrect. Emotional affairs can hurt just as much as physical cheating and sometimes even more. When one partner replaces time, feelings, and intimacy with someone other than their partner it hurts the relationship between them and their partner. Emotional affairs involve all the lying and mistrust that physical affairs do, and their damage often takes much longer to overcome.

How Do Emotional Affairs Begin

Often emotional affairs start between coworkers. What may start out innocently enough as time working on a project may evolve into a deeper emotional relationship. The two see each other for long periods of time during the day and develop a strong rapport. If one partner is having troubles in their relationship they may confide in their coworker, and things develop from there. But there doesn’t have to be problems in a relationship in order for an emotional affair to happen. There may have been a previous relationship that one partner never quite got over and then decided to remain friends with the person, thereby setting themselves up for an eventual emotional affair down the road.

How To Spot Emotional Affairs

If your partner exhibits traditional signs of cheating such as sneaking around, behaving differently toward you, or flat out lying, this could be the beginning of an emotional affair. Generally emotional affairs involve emails that your partner doesn’t want you to see, or they may take a phone call in another room and shut the door without telling you what it was about. If your partner begins to pull away from you and seems distant, they may be engaging emotionally with someone else.

How To Handle Emotional Affairs

If you suspect your partner is having an emotional affair you need to confront them about their behavior. Point out specific activities when bringing up your concerns. Tell your partner how the relationship they have with this person affects your feelings, and ask that they end it immediately. Don’t be surprised if your partner gets defensive or denies they have done anything wrong. Often one partner may convince his or herself that by refraining from physical intimacy they have not crossed a line. By making your feelings clear, however, your partner will have no choice but to deal with your concerns. You both may need counseling in order to work out the issues between you. It is possible to be happy with your partner again, but it does take time and effort and is only possible when your partner understands the appropriate boundaries and works on repairing the trust issues they’ve caused for the relationship.

Cherie Burbach - Cherie Burbach writes about dating, relationships, health, sports, and lifestyle. She's the author of eleven books and ebooks.

35 Comments

Comments

Oct 4, 2008 4:18 PM

Guest :

Can you change the background from dark grey to a lighter color? I'd love to read this article, but I physically can't! Thanks so much!

Oct 23, 2008 3:15 PM

Guest :

I think my boyfriend is having an emotional affair because usually when he comes home he be happy to see me but the past couple of days he,s been moody, we are not really intimate with each other, he always act like he is mad that he has to go to work but I can tell he is really happy to leave and we dont even talk he dont even hold me in the bed anymore.

Oct 29, 2008 10:33 AM

Guest :

My wife is having an emotional affair with an old friend. She kept in contact with him because he was a family friend, he was still and uncle to the kids etc.. But their conversations were inappropriate and crossed over the line many times i have found out. They have met without me knowing and its probable not likely that I will trust that this won't continue. She got extremely defensive when it all came out-screaming that she didn't do anything- so she didn't do anything wrong. She doesn't get it. I am supposed to be the one she goes to when she needs to talk to when she is sad or depressed or when she's happy. i am the one that she is supposed to share intimate flirtations with not him. I am crushed. This came out last month (September) and I have been looking up stuff to try to figure this out. But i probably never will. Its just sad. She should have just married him in teh first place.

Nov 7, 2008 2:01 AM

Guest :

I just found out my husband had an emotional affair through cell phone records, an ex-girlfriend from 20yrs ago. The death of a very close friend got them talking again. I found 1172 text messages in one month on top of talking at least three times a day any where from 4-8hrs. When I confronted him of course he was EXTREMELY defensive and said they were just friends. We have been together for 15yrs and been married 10 of those years. I am devestated, hurt, mad, feel betrayed. He shared his emotions with someone he had not had any contact with for 20yrs and denies it.

Nov 9, 2008 6:03 PM

Guest :

I am struggling with this right now. I have resurfaced feelings for an old best friend. I can tell he has feelings too and it's confusing. We're both married and he wants to get together as couples. I know I have to distance myself from him and it's hard. I don't know what to say, and I know I will miss him. My first priority is my family but the feelings he creates in me are addictive and feel so good.

Nov 11, 2008 12:51 AM

Guest :

My husband and I have been married for over 20 years, we have 3 kids, and I thought up til now, we were as happy as peas ad carrots. Together, we built a successful business with over 40 employees. I have always been well loved by my whole staff.
We knew and liked a woman who fell on hard times. We both wanted to help her out (we've been financially blessed to do so). We retained her privately to continue with music lessons for the kids. We more than over payed her as it was our intent to get her on her feet. He is a generous man, I am a generous woman, but this short term help was turning into welfare. I told him that she was too emotionally needy, and not seeking employment as was the intended plan. I was uncomfortable with it. Rather than respecting my opinion, he hired her on as an employee of our company. She has no car so he arranged for our staff to pick her up, and drop her off at the bus stop. She was evicted, so he helped her get into another place. Here's the real kicker~ he co signed a lease making US financially responsible. I was not told about it. I was told he was just a character reference. My staff was wondering who the h*** this gal was, and why was she able to work special hours instead of the posted schedule, why was the boss taking her under his wing?
When questioned by me and our management team, he became defensive, unapologetic, and stated that he was merely helping out a sad, wounded person. We were all accused of being cold, heartless and unfeeling. I read his emails to a colleague. He stated that she was his "life coach", she "inspired" him, she was "positive and cheery and would do great things for our company". It looked to everyone like he was having SOME kind of relationship with her, and in a management meeting was when I learned about the lease agreement that was done behind my back. I had her fired, yet he kept her on the payroll for another 5 weeks, in secret.
He just got an email from her asking for more $. Notice that she has not at all come to me for any $. I asked him to stop taking her calls. When she last called him, he said that he couldn't talk because I said to stop taking the calls. There was no initiative on his own part to refuse the calls HIMSELF! She has done quite a job in skirting around me to get to him. Con artist? Marriage wrecker? Both?
We are in separate rooms for now. I am ready to ask him to move out though. What are the ramifications? Am I just making it easier for them? Can this be salvaged

Nov 29, 2008 7:47 AM

Guest :

I just discovered my wife has been calling and texting another guy for 2 years (at least). On 11/15, I noticed a text flashing on her phone (is this how it always happens?, I had been away on business) The text was sexually explicit, she had sent him nude photos, I am devastated. Married, 2 young boys, house, business , etc.. She had been unfaithful in the past, before we were married, but I got past it and trusted her completely. When confronted she lied, then said it was a coworker, admitted phone sex. I dont think I can forgive her, calls to her "friend" averaged 40 per month every other day, one day there was 10 calls. Honestly, 40 calls a month. What type of person would do this to someone else? I cant even tell my best friend or family. I have been up pacing for until 3 am for 2 weeks while she sleeps like a baby. I am a mess. please comment - Her phone now has a cleared log every day.

Dec 2, 2008 9:39 PM

Guest :

can someone have multiple affairs at once? is it possible that someone is just very open or accepting of other people? i am doing my best to understand my gf's behavior, she has a handful of inappropriate relationships, none of which are sexual or have malicious intent, but do cause problems with our intimacy and exclusiveness.

if i can understand her nature towards friends and that to her they are innocent but she just enjoys people, would we still continue to have problems, with boundaries being crossed. this is difficult for me b/c i know she acts innocent enough but i want a relationship that is very intimate, are we just looking for different things or is this behavior she needs to work on so she can experience more mature and healthy relationships that might last?

Dec 4, 2008 10:51 AM

Guest :

it is difficult, but my friend and i are trying to end our emotional affair. we did not realize it was an emotional affair at all until we began to have feelings for each other quite recently. only one of us is married and we know the right thing is to end it, especially since the spouse has asked us to do so. however, it is the hardest thing i tried to do because the connection is so strong now.

Dec 6, 2008 8:29 PM

Guest :

Can pregnancy hormonal changes that affect brain chemicals which in turn affect behavior and mood trigger an emotional affair? and if this is true, can the emotional affair develop and last after the pregnancy is over or will the woman later realize it was all false and was mainly due to those hormonal changes? I will appreciate your comments! Thank you very much!

Dec 17, 2008 8:37 AM

Guest :

Hi,
I have a friend that I have known for over 5yrs, and recently we became sexually involved He made his marriage sound like it was so bad. and I was dealing with some things in my life and it happened.I know I crossed the line but now I feel traped emotionally but I also Know that physically it was not what he expected. So he is now wanting out. My feeling are so hurt I just want to end it's but for some reason it's not that easy for me. I shared my body with him and I feel so rejected by someone that I thought was carrying for me from the heart. Don't spare your advice because I know I was wrong

Dec 28, 2008 6:06 PM

Guest :

My wife has been playing with this fire for years. She never completely extinguishing the flame on an old boyfriend. It blew up on her in the last couple months and now she is pretty entangled emotionally. Hopefully she's not too far gone, but I don't know. Some ghosts are better left in the past.

Feb 2, 2009 10:51 AM

Guest :

I am having an emotional affair with my coworker. He is married, I am not. I noticed our strong chemistry from the beginning. I've tried to stay away, but we both can't. We share every little detail of our lives... it's getting to the point that I am truly starting to fall in love and I think he is too. I don't consider myself a "homewrecker" and I can't let this go any further than this. When two people start an emotional affair, it's not always seedy and dirty. Usually, it's just two people with a lot of chemistry and a lot in common.

Mar 12, 2009 5:20 PM

pininfarina575 :

my ex fits everything described regarding emotional affair. On top of that with time, they developed certain levels of physical affairs that I am aware of. She never admitted. And the one she had that emotional affair with and still is continuing was one of my best friend who I put much trust in. I've been betrayed and backstabbed by both of them. It hurt me so much, and it still hurts the same way and the same amount although it has been 2 months since she broke up with me and continues to have that relationship with my backstabbing betrayer friend, who by the way previously swore to me he would not act on his feelings.

After all this happened, she visited my school and attempted to justify her actions. I still acted courteously and played cool. But at the end of the day she kissed me, when I was trying to not give her a chance to. I later asked why the hell she did that. And she asked "why, does that bother you?" and then went on to say "because it's not like I don't have that feeling for you anymore"

She says she cares about me after all this, but she continues to take actions and make choices that obviously hurts me. I wish she would either stop claiming she cares about me or stop carrying on with that backstabber.

May 12, 2009 12:52 PM

Guest :

I wanted to address those who are having emotional affairs. I was in one myself. It felt very good to feel wanted, appreciated, understood... but know that it will end badly. You've got a choice: End your "official" relationship or fix it. I was married, the other woman was single. Even though I was the one with the commitment, she tried to stop it while I couldn't let it go. She was a mutual friend of my wife and mine. Our connection felt so good by comparisson to my marriage that I decided to leave my wife. If I were to date the other woman in the future, I felt that being honest about the emotional affair when I left would be the decent thing to do. That way my wife wouldn't find out about it when I started dating the other woman. The problem is I didn't end up leaving. It wasn't until my things were packed and I was ready to go that I finally had second thoughts. Only then did I realized that I didn't make an effort to save my marriage. The excitement I was feeling about starting a new life started to feel more like a sleezy idea.

I stayed with my wife and we got counseling. Needless to say, I can no longer be friends with the other woman. I've always been a "good guy" and this was the first time I had done something crappy to anyone. So I was forgiven by all who know me and the friend is the one who was looked down on. I felt terrible about how things turned out for her. I felt worse about throwing her under the bus than betraying my wife. At least my wife and I had the chance to work on things. I'd never have a chance to make things right with the friend. She was an amazing selfless person and would have been a great friend but now she can't be in my life at all.

If you feel like I did, its probably easier right now for you to imagine being without your significant other than being without the "good friend". For their sake, imagine the worst case scenario: You will end up hurting their reputation at best or you will lose your friendship at worst. Know this; the worst case scenario is the most likely one. Right now your judgment is compromised by dopamine, the brain's love chemical. Even if you think you will leave your significant other you should end the affair for now to keep your options open.

I had to repair my marriage while dealing with the loss of a close friend. It wasn't like growing apart. It ended suddenly so it was more like dealing with a death. It's easily the hardest thing I've had to endure and I had to mourn alone.

May 18, 2009 9:21 AM

Guest :

I want to agree with everything posted by the guy who wanted to address everyone with having an emotional affair. Its one of the most painful feelings, and in my experience, a co-worker i am linked to, i have had an emotional affair for nearly 3 years, I am married and i am so caught up in love for this other person. I have since found out that this other person who is single is having another emotional affair with another MARRIED WOMAN. I feel like my hearts been ripped out, because i wanted him to fight for me, show me the support i needed to start a new life with him. Very unrealistic. He seems easier to let go that i do, obviously valuing his feelings over my own and that of my husband I am now suffering in silence for peserving what dignity i have left. I have now allot of anger inside how he can steer me to an affair with him and now hang me out to dry, and this other woman i know of through digging out information, checking work phone bills, seeing emails. Iknow its turning in to one, which she is steering because she knows of me and is willing to speak to him sometimes 100's of emails, phone calls to wake him up of a morning, calls before sleep. I would say i am a very good person and have never done anything like this before but im now deep in allot of pain and lies and i utterly regret acting wrongly from the beginning, it may feel exciting and special but it wont last because its not real. If you have feelings for someone else, do it all properly, dont be scared to take the chance and jump, fight for what you want the right and honourable way, leave your partner before acting on feelings, NEVER think it will just be fun, hearts will get broken.

May 20, 2009 7:21 AM

Guest :

I accidentally had an emotional affair with a friend-- but he was the cheater; I was single. It started--for me, at least--with chatting. We are both in college, in the same club, and all the members are extremely close, and chat with each other all the time. At the time, I just looked forward to the chats as a diversion from studying, but soon I came to look forward to them as a connection with the guy--I even changed my sleeping schedule, which I guess should've been a sign for me. And then it became meals when both of us had late night munchies while studying. I hadn't realized it was developing into an emotional affair until he asked us what we were. He claims he felt confused much earlier, although I think part of his confusion stems from the fact that his relationship with his long-term girlfriend has always been long-distance, and as the days counted down to when he could see her again, he was feeling an increasing emotional void. I'm emotionally dense, and don't like to face uncomfortable facts, so even when we were having late night meals together, and doing things that raised a spectre of discomfort for me (nothing intimate, just spending time together), I ignored them and thought "He couldn't possibly have such feelings for me; he has a girlfriend." For a while after the "what are we" conversation, I was confused, and perhaps a little vengeful. I didn't even know what to define what we had, which was causing me even more pain. For causing me emotional turmoil and putting me in such an awkward spot, I wanted to make him hurt too, so we kissed. Even now, I don't think he's ready to break off the emotional relationship, although he himself doesn't realize it, or define it as such. Heck, I might not be. I was the one who initiated two "let's stop all contact for a bit and take a break from each other" and both times when he chatted me less than a day after the cease-and-desist, I responded. I've been trying-- I steer the conversations back to innocuous topics, I tell him to go study instead of talking to me, I go to bed when I need it, rather than sleeping when he ends the conversation, made it clear that I never want to pursue a relationship with him. I never thought I'd be an "other woman," I certainly don't want to be a relationship wrecker, and I am SO ready to be OVER it. Why can't we just BE FRIENDS, and why couldn't he leave well enough alone?

Sep 28, 2009 9:02 AM

Guest :

I just leaned that my boyfriend of seven months had an xbox / myspace affair with another woman. They exchanged flirtatious comments on their myspace pages, complimenting each other on their photos, engaged in phone sex, etc. (He never complimented me on my posted photos once). When I confronted him as to why these comments were up on his and hers myspace pages when he was in a committed relationship with me, he told me they were just xbox friends, and nothing more, and the comments were made as a joke. When I asked him to delete her, he became enraged and refused to remove her profile/picture, saying that she meant nothing to him and he had not communicated with her in two years. (Yet she meant enough for him to not delete her out of respect for my feelings). I confronted her and learned that she felt they were in love and had communicated via xbox just a few weeks ago. She still had a blog up on her myspace page that went on about how she loved and missed him, even though she has a boyfriend of her own (So she is cheating on her boyfriend too). He did not feel that it was an affair since she lived in another state and they had never met in person. The whole thing just sickens me and has left me wondering what else he has lied to me about.

Oct 13, 2009 6:13 PM

Guest :

guest from May 12th, I can't believe.You poor baby, I am soo sorry for your loss. What about your wife??? What about what she went through?Your girlfriend was a selfless person? She was supposed to be your wife's friend.If that doesn't tell you what kind of person she is you are fooling yourself big time.And it doesn't sound very remorseful that you feel worse about throwing the girlfriend under the bus than betraying your wife? That is a problem.I don't understand why people work so hard to build a family and someone can wink at them and they are willing to throw it all away? For what? Because they made you feel special? How selfish. Please. People like that just want what you already have and don't want to have to work for it or they have already destroyed their own and think it's always greener on the other side.I don't understand why these people don't get mad that that other person is going to destroy everything they have worked hard for. Why did you not look at this person and question they fact that she was willing to disrepect your wife and your marriage and not only did you allow her to but also joined in.You didn't leave because you knew deep down it wasn't going to work and didn't want to end up by yourself.

Oct 17, 2009 11:56 PM

Guest :

From my personal experience, I conclude that a "platonic friendship" with any woman is very dangerous. There have been several instances where I have had such a friendship, and very nearly my life, ended by an angry husband or boyfriend despite the fact that I had a steady girlfriend of my own at the time (the female friend was usually at least acquainted with my girlfriend). I make it a rule to never be alone with any woman other than a steady girlfriend. The other danger is that of a platonic relationship crossing the line into a romantic or sexual relationship. Once that happens, there is no turning back.

Oct 24, 2009 9:28 AM

Guest :

My husband of twenty odd years has a new BFF. They have gone on trips together and shared bank account info (we have a joint account) and have even bought each other matching Clatter Ring (that cost in the neighborhood of 900.00). and yet he could not get a matching cell phone with me thought it looked to cute. she has intruded into every aspect of our lives. even going so far as to call my son who is in the army her baby when he came home for a visit. I am ready to walk out, every time I bring up that this is way out of line he tells me I am over reacting and forcing him to give up a true friend, who has taught him what love and friendship is all about. Does any one have any advise for me? I feel alone and lonely...

Dec 2, 2009 7:11 AM

Guest :

I just found out that my husband of 7 yrs was involved in an emotional affair with another woman. He doesn't regard it as cheating. Yet he tried to hide it because he said he knew that I would be upset if I found out how much he had been talking to her yet he didn't stop. If a husband who loves his wife knows that he is doing something "wrong" that will hurt his wife why not stop it. Even if you never tell her.stop it. When I found out about his inappropriate conversations he lied and said tha they werent talking that much(I knew they were talking, but not how much). It started when I was pregnant with our daughter. He didn't want to have sex.ONce I had the babyI was depressed and he seemed unsupportive to me. We drifted apart emotionally. I thought there might have been another woman and he told
there wasn't, but he had already been talking to her everyday. He became shorttempered, contemptuous, derisive and never wanted to come to bed with me. I still didn't suspect and affair because he is not the kind who would have a sexual affair with someone. He says that there was not sex, but he will not admit to having an emotional affair. He will not admit that he cheated. The betrayal is deep because the trust was deep. When I asked him to stop talking to her mostly because I thought the conversation was inappropriate he said he would and he didn't. He kept talking to her. then I saw the phone records. It sent me into shock. He was away from me for several months and in that time he grew very close to her. He said he was helping herget over her cheating boyfriend. She is 15 years younger that i am. They talked almost every minute of the day for 2 months and everyday several times a day for almost a year. Every free time he had he called her instead of me. I spoke to her she said that he said I was busy all the time. I was pregnant again with a toddler in tow alone for six months. There is so much more to this. I still hurt because day after day I had to pull another truth out of him because he wont volunteer information but he says he wants us to workout. He thought that he could keep his friend and still make us work. He says she wasn;t the problem that we had problems before however he dosen't see that the closer he got to her the farther from me he got and I was a burden and a responsiblity where she was his escape. It makes me feel foolish for trusting him, but I love him so much and we have two kids.

Jan 13, 2010 10:44 PM

Guest :

Hi anyone please help me im hurting deep inside i caught ma girl textn some guy 4 months ago while i wass sleeping i am hurt so bad i ttook me and im still not fully recovered she just told me today shes not happy with me... im thinkn she might still be seein him i hate feeling like this i love her to death never thought this would happen to ME but it HAS to make it worse we even have a lil girl together life is hard i never thought this would happen to me

Feb 8, 2010 10:10 AM

Guest :

My fiance is having an emotional affair , of sorts, with his boss. Many years ago when we were just friends he mentioned that his then girlfriend was of a certain nationality. He never mentioned the name.He and his boss(who is of the same nationality as the then girlfriend, were also part of a group that did things together like dinners at reastaurants at least once a month.
Now I am in his life, he always seems to be angry to go to work and is always upset with things that his boss does.
She has given him red roses for Christmas and he buys her gifts for Christmas but does not tell me. He sends her e-cards for her birthday but pretends that he does not know exactly when her birthday is. He sends her e-cards for Valentines which are very innappropriate. Whenever she gives him something, he thanks her by e-mail but in very suggestive ways: like telling her that he is "drinking the wine that she gave him or telling her that he will try her recipes, calling her a special lady, telling that she is sexy.
I am going crazy and actually wondering if I should marry this guy.

Apr 26, 2010 10:16 AM

Guest :

I like many others have discovered that my husband of 15 years has had many emotional affairs for 2 years (2005 - 2007). Needless to say I was beside myself. He has begged for forgiveness and told me that all of the women were on line and from another country. However, I discovered today that during (2005 - 2007) he contacted a married woman via email at 11:30 pm on a Sunday Night (we go to church with her). I called and asked him about this and he said nothing happened. I can't believe him. Any advice?

Apr 30, 2010 2:45 PM

Guest :

To the April 26 poster: I have no advice I can ony tell you my story. My husband of lived in another state for 9 months from 2002-2003 (for work). He became "friends" with a female coworker. When he returned home, they kept up the friendship, with my and her husband's knowledge. I discovered in 2005 that they had been calling each other tune the tune of more that 30 hours per month and sending love letters to each other without my or her husband's knowledge. My husband and I went to marriage counseling in 2005, and the he agreed to end the friendship. He did not; she simply sent the letters to his work address and my husband got a phone card and called her from a pay phone. I found this out in December 2009 when I found some of the letter she had sent him. I emailed her pretending to be him and she responded with some very sexually suggestive language; at that point I confronted her; I told her who I was and she got mad that my husband (now of over 38 years) had lied to HER. (He told her he had divorced me in 2007 because I was having an affair; I was not). I demanded she mail me the letters my husband sent her or I would tell her husband what had been going on for nearly 7 years. She mailed me the letters my husband sent her. I told her to stop the relationship; but she thought she could still have it go on (she texted my husban). So, I called her husband and told him everything and emailed him all the letter they sent each other. Here is the problem, I still love my husband and we are in counseling again. I am giving it one year; if I cannot learn to trust him again, we will divorce after more than 39 years of marriage. So, what I am saying is that you have to decide if you still love your husband and if you can learn to trust again. Not easy questions; not easy answers. Good luck to you and God bless.

May 6, 2010 9:38 AM

Guest :

I am engaged to a wonderful man and admits to a 'platonic' relationship with one of his previous girlfriends. He does not need to tell me when he has seen her, my gut feeling tells me. I do not understand this, why would he want to marry me if he still wants her in his life. I have expressed my feelings and asked him to stop that relationship but he has not and also would understand if he would rather be with her , just let me go.

Jun 4, 2010 8:27 PM

Guest :

hmmm, i guess an emotional affair it whats going on in my head right now. Firstly, I'm married to an amazing and beautiful woman who I've been with for 6 years and i work this schedule that's two weeks away at a remote site followed by two weeks at home. We have a great relationship that is more in the attachment phase now i guess. At work over the last 6 months I have developed this intense friendship that is completely off the wall and like no other friendship with this amazing girl 2 yrs younger than me- she is semi-dating a guy in another city too. There is so much quality unstoppable banter and funniness and chemistry going on that it blows my mind, but absolutely no actual flirting. I think we have been careful to stay within these limits- i sense an unspoken mutual understanding of what is going on. We could actually sit and talk the most hilarious and novel one on one conversations for several days without even stopping i think. So, naturally, I can't help my emotions and we just want to hang out with each other all the time because its so much fun. So so much fun. Our conversations have never gone to our feelings which i think is a good thing, and nothing will ever happen between us because I think we both know how bad that would be, and I love my wife so much too. But i learn how emotions are so impossible to stop. Its really hard sometimes. So when I leave site and go home after about two days away from her I'm all cuddly and loving with my amazing wife again and I forget about work and see it all from another perspective without the emotion/infatuation and I think "gee, I can't believe I had those feelings last week". Then I go back to work and it happens all over again. Its like a double life. I really value the friendship but I don't want the strong emotion that comes with it that I can't stop. I really understand now how so many people cheat on each other. I think actions are controllable, emotions are not. Its not like I am seeking an emotional affair but its impossible to not to want to have these amazing two-way witty conversations and hilarity with a great friend- it just leads to emotions.

Jun 9, 2010 1:22 PM

Guest :

I know my husband is having an affair because I called the (other) women ! She told me all. We are to try to get passed this mess he and her have made but he will not open up to me . Even knowing she has told me everything. I'm not sure our 25 year marriage will last at that this point.They were sneaking calls to each other, having phone sex, talking about their spouses to each other (bashing). She told me that he was planning to leave as soon as he got his inheritance from his father passing. By the way I was his fathers main care giver for the last year. he said she was there for him as I was not.I spent 12 hours a day taking care of his father, while he was having phone sex with her! I love him but this is the second time he has done this to me making me feel like it was all my fault. y plans are to leave and let them have what they want. She was not willing to wait a year or two to be with him so she moved on . He seems to be very upset by the fact that she told me everything and the fact that she has moved on with someone else. My love for him is strong but I don't know i can stay the second time around. i spent 11 years thinking I was a nasty person and was not the good wife. I can't spend another 11 years like this.. If someone feels I am wrong please let me know. he never admitted to the first affair until I made him read this story. Now he admitted to that one . I'm not willing to live 11 years like the last 11.

Jun 18, 2010 11:07 AM

Guest :

I just read this article and have to tell my story. I was in a relationship (living together) with a man I thought was my soul mate (don't we all!!). I had the usual suspicions...his cell phone never rang (the excuse was "you're the most important person to me...why would I want to talk to anyone else when I'm with you!). Oh yes..and of course his cell phone was password protected (for security reasons...don't you know!!!). Text messages never made a sound, but when I looked at the phone there were many...all the time. By chance (a found email)..I found out that a woman was coming in the next weekend from another city to see him. He, by the way, had told me that we wouldn't be able to see each other much that next weekend as he had to work all of it! I found her name and number and called her that night when he wasn't around. Needless to say, we were both in shock! She had thought that she had been his long-distance girlfriend for more than 3 years!! Confrontations ensued. The relationship ended. I then took him back 2 months later (yes...I'm an idiot). He made all the usual promises...I love you, I know how much I hurt you, I'll never do it again...blah, blah, blah. Yep, you guessed it....not much longer and I found out these two were still in contact.

My advice...to both the ladies and men...we all have the most amazing intuition....listen to your gut....and get out!!! These people will NEVER change...no matter what they say to you. They are selfish and don't give a crap about hurting other people.

Jun 26, 2010 11:09 AM

Guest :

For May the 12 2009
Just a peace of advice "you" are not worth having as a husband!!! Do yourself a favour please don't mourn alone, you such a useless spineless individual, on the death of your other!!Join her rather you actually deserve each other because at the end you two will be on a permanent "mourning the dead" because what you do to others comes back 10 fold!!!!!Shame now you want to fix your marriage, what for you through it away, by your own choice...believe me you will cry for your wife that you feel was not good enough but it will be to late as she will have forgotten you and living in total bliss!!!~!

Jul 13, 2010 10:39 AM

Guest :

My ex-wife had gotten in touch with a former "friend" to help plan a trip we were going to take together in Europe. It ends up that he was a former lover. She started having internet chat sessions really late at night and very early in the morning with him, while locking herself in the bathroom. I was extremely suspicious and was able to find a transcript of their internet chat sessions (fortunately my ex-wife had a form of OCB that compelled her to collect and archive all email correspondance she had with anyone -- I kid you not!). The transcript read something like out of a bad porn movie. I confronted her and she didn't experience any remorse. A couple of months later, we were separated. Bottom line - emotional affairs really hurt. The difficulty is dealing with the demons (fear of being betrayed yet again, insecurity, ability to trust someone else fully/completely) that are unleashed.

Jul 19, 2010 5:17 AM

Guest :

@Jan 13

I fully understand your pain. Look one man to another there is no easy preparation or change you can take that is the "right" way. I have had so many damn emotional affairs done on me when i was younger (I'm 25 now so you can guess my pain) until recently when I learned that I started doing it. Yes you can debate saying its cheating or not but it is (just look at the poster's and the pain they have or pain they have caused) and if she is willing to go out on you like that then trust she doesn't care for you or your child. If she did she would know that whatever she does effects the child as the child is a product of you both and if you let that woman take your child your damned fool.

Oct 4, 2010 10:41 PM

Guest :

when a man stuck in his relationship at home, he might tr to find some thing to make him feel better inside...always remember that not all men are brave to face and sit down properly to settle the problem ...they rather find his own way to just temporarily feel happy inside...I saw many cases among my friends!!!

Jan 25, 2011 11:06 AM

Guest :

This has happened to me. All the signs are there. I am a 40 yr old man having been married for 10 years with a 9yr old girl with my wife.
She found Facebook, was on it every day from 4am until bedtime. And when not in front of her computer, she was on her Iphone, with the FB application. Then she met an old high school "justafriend" who used sleazy words like baby and sweetie to her. He never asked to be my friend, so take note boys, if your talking to a married woman and not man enough to be her husbands friend too, youve broken the code and should be kicked around.
But nonetheless, she responded to her "friend" on facebook, hid text messages, Iphone was glued to her face 24/7, took it to the bathroom with her, woke up an hour earlier than I did every day, and yes, txt messaged him then too. The Phone Bill data usage showed over 110 messages back and forth the day before she gave me the "im not in love with you anymore" speech. Just so you cheaters know, a Court order can obtain those text messages from any provider. We are in the process of a divorce, as the trust is long gone. I hope she worries for the rest of her life with him, what married woman he is texting while with my ex.

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