Staying Friends With An Ex

Remaining Buddies With Your Former Flame

Jul 10, 2007
Cherie Burbach

From Former Flame to Just Friends? - am y

You meet, you date, you break up (or, possibly you live together or get married). But what if one of you wants to stay friends afterward? Is that even possible?

It is possible to successfully pull off the “dating to friends” scenario, but it takes two special people and a fair amount of effort. If you’re thinking of staying friends with an ex, here are some points to consider:

How the Break Up Happened

The method in which you two broke up is an important indicator on whether you two will remain friends. After all, if one of you engaged in bad break up behavior you either won’t remain friends, or your newly developed friendship won’t last very long. If the person who initiated the break up wants to remain friends, it can be very difficult and almost cruel to the one who got dumped. After all, they may wonder why their ex couldn’t stand to be with them but now wants to hang out “as a friend.” Confusing.

What Went On During the Relationship

Friendships require the same amount of trust and kindness that relationships do. So if one of you cheated or abused the other, it’s unlikely a friendship will fare any better. The same applies for any reoccurring issues that just never seemed to go away. Even the smallest of slights, such as forgetting to call when you’re supposed to or ignoring your partner when you know they’re in a down mood, can carry over into your friendship. A friendship between two ex’s simply means they don’t have sexual feelings for each anymore. Any communication issues or problems, however, will remain.

Are the Two of You Really Over?

If any lingering feelings of love (or lust) remain with one of you, forging a friendship too soon will undoubtedly cause hurt feelings and misunderstandings. You can’t just immediately become friends if one of you hasn’t come to terms with the fact that your relationship has ended. Initiating this (whether you are the one who broke up or the one who still has feelings) is just plain cruel. Sometimes one partner will ask to remain friends simply because they like having someone around who adores them. But this type of friendship isn’t true, and in every case will come to an end once the other has found real love.

How Much Time Has Gone By?

There is a process that comes with getting over a break up. Once you and your former flame have successfully moved on, the two of you may be able to forge a successful friendship. However, you need to give it time and let it happen naturally. Sometimes couples are not willing to leave their friendship in the hands of fate. After all, they reason, if love didn’t blossom for them, why would a friendship be any different? But friendships ARE different, and that’s the point. So if you happen upon your former flame after you both are in a good place in your lives, keeping them around as a pal is a possibility. Saying “let’s stay friends” forty seconds after you break up won’t work.

Cherie Burbach - Cherie Burbach writes about dating, relationships, health, sports, and lifestyle. She's the author of eleven books and ebooks.

Comments

Oct 19, 2008 8:15 PM

Guest :

I am still confused because although me and my ex are friends we have admitted to each other we still have feelings for one another. We have not tried it again though and I believe it is because deep down we both realize that after the third try it is not meant or possible to be.

Nov 9, 2008 11:45 AM

Guest :

Dear Guest:
From my experience, what doesn't work is a result of unrecognized and unreleased feelings. Until those things happen, and you have both figured out how your friendship has to be different, you will go back on your old ways.

Nov 11, 2008 8:36 AM

Guest :

my boyfriend says he is still friends with his ex...i dont feel comfortable about it because when we first met, he said i looked like someone, and it just so happened to be this girl. he kept pictures of her even after we met..not only that, he has her number on his phone and she's just everywhere...facebook, emails. he claims they don't communicate...even if i believe that. i still question, why is he still keeping her contacts.

i really don't know what to do???any suggestions.

Nov 19, 2008 10:45 AM

Guest :

My boyfriend, who has been my best friend before our relationship for 2 1/2 years, broke up with me a couple weeks ago as he felt that the love wasnt there anymore. I have been devastated and cannot even seem to cope. Im crying every day and cant even focus on my classes or work. We want to go back to being best friends and I cant just cut ties with him because I feel like I need him for support and all of our friends hang out at the same place all the time so I will end up seeing him anyway. I hurt so much when I do see him and I start to get paranoid, thinking that there is some other reason for the breakup when he assures me that there isn't. I want to believe him but after all of this it seems so hard to trust him. He seems so distant and it kills me. How do I go about dealing with this. normally I would just cut ties but In this case, I just cant! What do I do????

Dec 11, 2008 6:48 PM

Guest :

Only you can decide what to do.

Jan 6, 2009 3:53 PM

Guest :

My ex and I brokeup last month and we're friends. I enjoy being buddies with him even though I only saw him once. The only problem is he didn't want to tell me that it was over. I was on the phone when he didn't tell me until 2 weeks later face to face.

Jan 24, 2009 11:28 PM

Guest :

my boyfriend just ended the relationships just a couple of days ago. He did it face to face, I had no clue and I was confused . We were together for 2 1/2 years. This was our 3rd time getting back together and it didnt work. We still have a conection though, but he said we were to immature for a relationship.The thing i'm confused with is ever sinc the break up he has been calling me and making plans to do things with me, but only important stuff, for ex: like doing h.w. I'm so confused what to think because he did the deed, but why is he acting like nothing happen. I dont know ehat to think i want to be his friend but, thinggs can be very tricky.

Jul 26, 2009 10:51 PM

Guest :

I have this best friend who I have an emotional attraction to. She felt the same, and as silly as this sounds we both like each other back in 2006. She said she likes me and thought about me every night but then decided to keep it on a platonic level. I was devastated because I wanted to take it higher and try it out but our long distance hindered us from doing so. Anyways then she would constantly tell me she misses me whenever we don't talk as much and usually makes promises. I don't know if this is normal and usually we discuss deep stuff only couples share. I can't fathom how someone can level with me this way even though our relationship is so platonic. And then talks about this guy she clings to but yet does not agree to his ways. His ways are far different from hers, and I got convinced that I'm a nice guy who finishes last and everytime she mentions about the other guy, I try and back down but I feel guilty for backing out and letting her get involved with him. And so I get into this relationship with a coworker who I use as a rebound and then my coworker found out I was using her all this time. She knew how hurt and sad I was and that I needed her attention. Once she gave me all I want and needed, I come and go as I pleased. Not only I played the nice guy last, I also played the jerk. I know people will think I'm a jerk but the lesson here is especially men, don't let women play with your emotions as they did with mine. And women be weary of guys when they come around too often, or when they indiscriminately compliment you or are always available. For both sexes I speak these are deadly traps that will get you into emotional ruts.

Aug 11, 2009 1:33 PM

Guest :

im confused because although an ex couple may be able to hbe friends, what happeneds when they start dating somebody. the new person will always wonder if the person they are dating is really over there ex and ultimately you will now have two exes...i hope this made sense

Sep 10, 2009 1:24 AM

Guest :

You should never stay friends with an ex. They are an ex for a reason and should remain that in 'all' things.

In my own experience of relationships and watching friends in theirs I have comcluded that ex's simply can't be friends. If they were a friend before you dated them then you have more of a chance of remaining friends, but one of you might see the spark that attracted you in the first place and that is when the problems start.

Jan 5, 2010 2:50 PM

Guest :

My girlfriend just dumped me unexpectedly a couple days ago. She said that it was because she needed to focus on school and her future and i was too big of a distraction. The problem is, is i played the break up cool and didn't get mad or anything, but now it seems she is more of a distraction for me. I can't get over the fact that she just changed her mind one day and lost all feelings for me. I told her we could be friends, but it's not that simple. Because i know that as soon as she starts dating another guy, i will get jealous and probably ruin the friendship. I guess when it comes down to it, you have to know your limits. If you try to be friends, make sure that you dont have any feelings. Because if you do, then when they start dating other people, you will turn into an emotional wreck.

May 25, 2010 6:16 AM

Guest :

All these "professionals" going on about how you can't remain friends with an ex...total rubbish... the truth is you can. And I am living proof. I am friends with 3 of my exs the secret? Tell each other to get over it, move on and find new loves. Its the only way. Then when sufficient time has past you can be there..Why throw away a good friendship just because you use to date them? Its ridiculous. You never know maybe in 10 years time that ex may donate their kidney to you.

May 26, 2010 4:36 PM

Guest :

my ex and i have emotionally abused each other for months. we'll have a nasty break up, not talk for a few days, then, long story short, have a bunch of sex and do it all again. never 'getting back together', but we hang out and everything else. we sleep with other people during brief separations, then inevitably get back together. it's a real hinderance on getting on with my life. my advice ? run for your f@#*in' lives

Nov 29, 2010 7:46 PM

Guest :

My girlfriend and I broke up after 8 months of knowing each other and 5 months of dating. She is a really sweet girl and tells me I am one of her closest friends. I feel I am her close friend to. But we have recently broken up and there was no infedelity or anything of that nature and we choose to remain friends and are hanging out only one week after the break up. Is this a good idea? Is it too soon to hang out? I was the breaker-upper

Jan 1, 2011 12:58 PM

Guest :

I was broken up with exactly 1 week ago. It was a 9 month relationship and it was a beautiful thing we had. I have never known someone where I was 100% in love and just so willing to do anything in the world for them. The last month of the relationship she said that she just kept getting this annoying feeling and didn't know what is was and that she was no longer in love with me. We are trying to be friends but it is so hard on me. My thoughts are always "Is she seeing someone else?" "Does she really want to be here with me?" and, in all honesty, I want her back more than anything... I just have to sit here and fulfill my needs and move forward! Be myself and maybe one day she'll be back or maybe one day I will find who I've been missing... I hope my words help! You are not alone

Jan 6, 2011 4:08 AM

Guest :

I am currently with my boyfriend and knowing him for a little over a year we started dating and have been for a few months. He told me two days ago that he is relocated in the marines and has two years left. Him and I fell head over heels and I don't know what to do. He told me tonight he wants to stay in contact and be "best friends" and when he comes back he wants to be with me if im still around. I want to wait but he tells me that "thats just how you feel now". I am in love with him and I wish we could make it work being together while he is gone. What are your thoughts?

16 Comments

Staying Friends With An Ex

Remaining Buddies With Your Former Flame

How the Break Up Happened

What Went On During the Relationship

Are the Two of You Really Over?

How Much Time Has Gone By?

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