How to End an Emotional Affair

this is exactly what im going through at work right now.

thank you. i know what i have to do.

This is helpful. I have just ended one and am hurting deeply. I've barely been able to make it through the day, which tells me how dependent I was upon him and how unhealthy my connection to him really was. I know time will help, but gosh it hurts my heart right now. Thank you...it did help to read this & to better understand what I'm going through.

Ok, this confirms what I know. The thing is my husband is amazing and I am so attracted to him emotionally and physcially, I was just tempted and became attracted to someone i work close to everyday. Never thought it was possible to be in a healthy marraige and still fall emotionally to someone else. I feel so guilty, no sex happened but lots of personal time togther and a few kisses, I know it is all worng and it is cheating but the tie has been cut, I have been honest and told my husband I had these emotinoal feelings for another Man and we are getting through this together. My husband did Thank me for being honest with him and the "Specail Friend" has completly stepped back, We still have to run into each other at work but I just count to 10 and walk away, I literally close my eyes for a few seconds and think of my Husband and son and just walk away. For anyone reading this, you can walk away, the feeling for that person does fade, just don't feed into any more temptation, stay strong, look at your wedding day album, talk to a friend, hit the gym hard to release all those emotions, talk to a counsler just change your thoughts and YOU too will survive this and live happy with the one you person that you truely don't want to live without,,,your husband.

I didn't want to believe that I was having an emotional affair but after reading this article, now I know. The sad thing is I don't know if I can stop thinking about this person. I've been attracted to him for awhile & he just recently admit his attraction to me. I'm married & my husband had an emotional affair on me. I'm angry and I'm hurt. I really want to continue with this guy. I know this is morally wrong but I don't have the strength to pull out before I get any deeper. I love hearing the sound of his voice. Please help

Try and get some distance from this person. If you work with them, see if you can get assigned to different projects and make it a point to be professional (and not friendly) with him. Change your behavior with him so he gets that you are not into flirting or sharing private information with him. Each time you fall back into a pattern of harmful behavior, think of your husband and the trust you would lose if you continued your emotional affair.

I am trying to end my 6 month emotional affair now. Its one of the hardest things I have ever done. I love and miss her and find it difficault to distance myself from her. She helped me through a tough time in my life and helped me to realize what was missing from my marriage.

I was so involved in "her" I had even considered leaving my wife and daughter for her.

I thought we would be able to maintain a close friendship, but I know now that is not possible. When I told her this, it opened her eyes and she started to withdraw. Feeling that withdrawal was very painful for me, and I am have withdrawals from her. She did become an addiction for me.

I have a hard time not thinking about her. Please somebody tell me it gets easier!

I've had an emotional affair. At the time, I considered it to be one of the greatest experiences of my life, in terms of finding THE ONE I truly connected with and loved. However, in retrospect, it was the worse thing that ever happened to me. All that time, I should have been finding someone who could meet all of my needs physically and emotionally, and not obsessing over someone that I couldn't have, regardless of the chemistry and feelings there. I would advise anyone in this situation to END IT. Seriously. I carried this on for years and it wreaked havoc on me. I deserved to find someone who could truly be available to me in all the ways I needed someone to be, and not having that was very hurtful to myself overall and I'm sure it was a negative force in this person's life and relationship. Just because you aren't sleeping together doesn't mean it's harmless. YOU will end up hurt, and you and that person deserve better.

Thank you for your comment and sharing your experience. People need to understand that emotional affairs not only hurt people, they don't satisfy your needs for a relationship. Most of all, it IS something you choose to do. It doesn't just happen. The good part is that it means you can make a choice to walk away.

For those of you who have sucessfully ended an EA does the pain go away. I have tried several times to end and keep going back (slowly at first) to ease the pain....
Help!!

I can't believe how I fell into the trap of my 'emotional affair'. I thought I was beyond cheating but I realized that I was prime for the affair. I believe that I was tapped out emotionally but I don't blame my spouse...I just felt that I gave, gave and gave and never received anything to 'fill my emotional tank'. In comes my special friend to pay some attention to me and I fell hard. Nothing physical...all emails and cell phone calls but I did neglect my family and husband to spend time on the computer or phone. The affair is over but I'm hurting. I thought this was something new and special but after reading up I now know that it happens all the time. I feel like a fool.

I didn't even know I was having a mostly emotional affair (some affection shared but no sex) until I got caught and my whole world came crashing down around me. I had the two worst weeks of my life thereafter, but my husband ultimately forgave me and things are fine at home. However, my former affair partner has cut off all ties to me, and I miss him TERRIBLY. I disagree that you cannot be friends thereafter - the friendship component is what I miss the most. I was out with colleagues last night and we were reminiscing about past events and he was part of one of the stories and thinking about felt like tearing a bandage off a wound that has not yet scabbed over. People drift in and out of your life, but I have never had a close friend ripped out of my life so abruptly before, and it totally sucks.

Thank you so much for this information. It confirms what I've been feeling. Actually, I'm not married or in a commited relationship; I'm the person who's having emotional affair with a married man. And for awhile, I knew something was wrong with our friendship. Because this never happen to me before, I was ignorant to the signs. Everything you explained in this had exposed our relationship for what it really is and I want out. All I can think about is his family and hurtful they would be to find out that he had abanded his wife and chilren for a friendship. The sad thing is that he don't see or want admit that's what he done, but after looking at the situation and being with myself, it's 100% true. We never had sex, but we shared everything else with eachother and I found myself totally dependant on him which is why it's hard to let go. But after
It's about doing the right thing. And if he can't see than I will need to see for him so that he can go back to his wife. My greatest concerns is for her because if he don't see that our relationship is wrong than he will fall for some else in the future. I just decided that I will not play pretend in his world anymore. Thanks!

I'm glad to read everyone's comments. I have just come to the realization that I have had an emotional affair with one of our best friends for months. What started out as innocent texting back and forth turned into a situation where we both compromised our marriages. Luckily we didn't go that far. I am good friends with his wife and spend time with her. My husband is aware of things that happened to some extent, but not completely. What's worse is this is one of his closest friends who he went to college with and now works closely with. We constantly hang out with them and he and I are still texting occasionally. He and I have always had a certain chemistry and still do. I miss the flirting and bantering. But I have also realized everything we risked. I really love my husband and we've had our share of problems, but he and our kids are my life. I never realized how hard it would be to get over though. Everyday I have to make a conscious effort not to contact him. It gets easier, but I still struggle.

My husband got involved in a deep emotional affair with a lesbian friend of mine that I introduced him to. Life has been a nightmare ever since. She was a predator, and had done this before, and knew just how to "work" him, ego-feeding him, crazy monkey sex, you name it. Now he has decided to end the affair because it was the right thing to do, not because he loved me anymore which I do not think he does. This is almost worse, being stuck in limbo of a loveless marriage HOPING he will come around! He treats me badly; His attitude seems to be "ok..I will leave her for you but I will make sure you are never happy with me ever again, because I had to give her up." I am struggling with trying to let go, but it's very hard after what I thought was 20 happy years! --H.P in Oregon

I have been having an emotional affair with a man I worked with for over 4 years. We have both been married for a long time to different partners. It started gradually and grew out of shared humour, character and mutual admiration in our work skills. ?The bond grew when we travelled together through work (although we didn't cross the line - it was romantic - we would kiss good night). I think we both believed it was innocent - we had been faithful all our married life - a little romance wouldn't hurt. ?For about a year we went through a traumatic time at work - immense financial pressure and stress. Had to have a legal fight to leave the company. It threw us together and the bond became more intense. We left about a year ago and he had to move away to a new job 3 hours away. ?We carried on our relationship by email, text, phone and meeting every few weeks. He is my best friend and we manage to share our every day lives. Although I was aware our close intimate relationship was probably wrong - it still seemed innocent. And I think both of us thought it was nothing to do with our partners - it existed in its own bubble - it grew out of a natural process. ?We have become more physical when we meet - hug, kiss and sit close - it is an escape - someone to confide in - but I know we would never be together neither of us would want to leave our partners / kids. We think we are in control - being adult about it. That was until 3 weeks ago. His wife read one of my emails by chance and could tell from my note we were close . ?I now am desolate because he is now fighting to save his marriage and it was never mine or his intention to hurt either partner. Call it naive but ?life is so complicated these days - can one person be truly everything to you for your whole life. I love him with all my heart and always will. If I am honest he filled a void of intimacy that my husband no longer provides. We have been married for 21 years and have 3 great boys. Unfortunately my husband decided he could no longer be the main provider and has worked part time for the past 10 years leaving me to hold down the full time job. I have got on an done it but deep down resent it. So all those notes about making it work with your own partner are difficult for me – I don’t see how I can. My husband is unaware of what has happened. I miss this man terribly and am hit by waves of pain when I least expect it. I focus on keeping busy and have this vain hope that we can restart.

I can completely relate to the last comment. Sometimes you care so deeply about the other person that you want them to be happy with their family and their spouse. That is a noble pure form of love, but it is the secrecy from partners that makes it an emotional affair. Wouldn't you wish that you could somehow explain it to your partner? My situation is very complex. I have a wonderful husband, but sometimes feel taken for granted and not appreciated. My love for the other person has emerged out of professional admiration to someone who is my boss and my mentor and somewhat older. I can see in his reactions that me may have similar feeling but I am not sure. He fiercely restrains them due to circumstances or I am decieving myself. I love everything about him to the point of loving his wife and wanting him to be happy in his life. All I need is just to know for sure that he has similar feelings. I don't even need a physical contact. I can tell that it has become pathological because of the increasing time I spend trying to come up with excuses to contact him that take away from my time with my family.
I know i have to end it for myself, but there is no way that I can avoid interacting with him.

My husband had an emotional affair and a kiss with a girl he works with. He is a manager and she is not he is worried about creating drama and hurting his job. He and her have spoke and realized they they went to far with the kiss and she needs to find someone else. but the late night chats still are happening. He has been deleting them but i know how to see them. I confronted him friday because she is pushing to have lunch and they soooo need to talk. I asked him why they need to talk they have already agreed they need to keep it at a professional level. He was mad at me looking at his computer and assures me he has no interest and is tired of talking about it and just wants things back to the way they were at work - he can not help it if she is in love with him. He thinks she just needs to see us together at a company lunch or function. He is annoyed with me that I am so obsessed with this. I have been and am very frustrated because I want to confront her - but do not want to do anything to effect his job not a good time to be out of work when we have a family to feed. I have been down this road 11 years ago and no kids at the time and know where it can lead. I am really trying not to focus all my time and energy on this - how do you move past this - do I just step back and hope for the best?

I am also in an emotional affair with a coworker. Its been about a year and it finally came to a head last week when we kissed. It was the most amazing kiss and time we've ever had alone. What makes this so hard is that my husband also works with us. Now my emotional affair has expressed that we can't go further because of his guilt toward my husband. We have talked so many times about changing our behavior because its so painful, but it never lasts more than a day before we NEED to go back to finding any excuse to work together and flirt. But I think he means it this time because its never gotten physical before. He says that the kiss left him wanting more and he isn't willing to have me "half-way" and he knows I won't leave my family. I have 3 kids and scary as it sounds, my marriage was perfect before this happened. My husband still wants me as much as he ever did but I am in love with this other man and I am willing to carry through with the affair. I am dreading tomorrow because I am woried that everything is going to change. How do we let these things get so far? So painful.... my emotional affair is actually considering transferring to another location. I will miss him terribly, but it may be the only answer... I am actually considering trying to get him to reconsider. I have so much to lose. He lives with someone but has said if I was available, he would have moved her out long ago. I don't regret the kiss because the tension had been building up for a year and it was beautiful but I just hope it didn't cost us our friendship because that is really what these types of affairs are really all about. We grow so close to these people and need them in our life. It will just kill me if that happens...

My husband had started an emotional affair four and a half years ago(through his job)over a phone with a girl that lives in another country.I found out almost imediately it started and confronted him.It was the end of my world.We have two children(23 and 19 now)but nothing mattered to him at all.She was everything to him,to a point that he was crying and saying that "He can not build his happines on someone else's tragedy."(mine).It almost killed me,children were deeply affected by it all too.Their relatinships have suffered,education too...He went abroad to work and has been for the last three years in which there were severall more affairs...(I also have a gut feeling that a couple of those affairs have progressed further from emotional).Through text messages that I read on his phone when he would come home it was obvious that he was carrying on with his affairs despite saying that it was all over and that none of it meant anything to him.Words he used in those messages were deeply affectionate and just reading throug them would make me phisically sick,but I needed to know wheather he was telling the truth or not,and he wasn't.What he didn't and doesn't understand was that by not being honest,all thrust in our marriage has gone.Even if he is to tell me the whole truth now,I couldn't believe a word of it.I've picked myself up,dusted myself down,and have started living on my own,even went on a holiday by myself first time in my life this summer.My husband does not come home anymore,I have not seen him since June because I asked him not to return.His relationship with children is strained... The worst thing is that he is not happy despite living a life he has chosen for himself.Suffers from health problems that were not there before and are largely brought on by his present lifestile.I do not feel that I can get involved in his life anymore,not even as a friend to help,because there was too much history between us.A very sad situation for all concerned.For any of you who think that it is acceptable to tell your work colegue all your problems before teling them to your spouse,think about it again,because that is how it starts.You start sharing thoughts and feelings with other person and that person gradually becomes important,your emotional partner.Your feelings are transfered to someone else and away from the person that you live with.It happens gradually but consequences are devastating for all concerned.My family and I have a first hand experience.

My husband and sister had an emotional affair which then turned physical. But reading this the emotional affair was the strongest connection not the physical affair. I am so confused and hurt. I feel so stupid because I never seen it.

I just found out through our cell phone bill that my husband has been having an emotional affair with an ex-coworker. They were just friends- or barely knew each other before she moved. He was copied on an email she sent to several people and he replied back and asked how things were. That was over a year ago and I just found out yesterday. Of course he was defensive and angry and lied when I first asked about the number- said he had no idea. So I went all as far back as I could in our cell phone bills and that was all the way to last October. We have been together for 11 years and have a 2 year old daughter. Our relationship is always been me give and him take. We have had so many fights and discussions about what is lacking in our marriage and he tried for about 2 months to pacify me then its right back to his old ways. And this past year we both agreed to really put forth a lot of effort to make this a good marriage- So here I am giving 150% meanwhile- he's having this EA- talk about a slap in the face. I found a couples therapist so we are going next week. Probelm is I dont even know where to start. I feel like a complete fool- he wants to act like since he's agreed he screwed up we should just hug and try then. I am past that. I have been trying all this past year while he was putting forth his efforts into her. I even looked at the times they were texting and calling each other. He was here at OUR home doing this. RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME! Staying up til 1 am and being exhausted the next day-i just cannot believe it. After 11 almost 12 years of me always giving- this is what i get? If anyone can give me so advise on the next stage- i would greatly appreciate it.

I caught my husband having an emotional affair shortly after it started (I think) It was with his coworker. I started to questioning after seeing the cell phone bill. He went from an average of 8 texts to 157! The next month it was over 200! I also noticed that they would talk when he was out of the house. They also would plan play dates with him and our children and her and her child. Conveniently, on the weekends I was in class. This was all done in secret. When confronted, he of course said it was just a "friendship" and told me I was "worried about nothing" I pointed out all the deception but he still didn't see it. So, I printed this article (and others) and had him read it. It wasn't until after he read about emotional affairs and how they are started and progress that he saw what he was doing. He apologized and told me he didn't even know there was a name for what he was doing. He told me he was not going to continue with this friendship and was going to keep the relationship "only professional". We also went to a marriage counselor who pointed out other aspects of his behavior and the consequences. I am now finding it hard to trust him. Even though he seems to understand everything. The type of job he has makes it difficult to end this relationship entirely. I know he has to work with her. Should I believe him? I feel so hurt!

I've been through this process and followed all the points on the checklist above.
Fortunately the other person wasn't as "involved" as I was as we saw eachother in frequently and it was mostly internal on my part.
My partner and I have rediscovered our marriage as a result (although it was the hardest thing I ever did) and in a way I credit this "affair" with saving our marriage.
However, my friend and I had started a non-profit organisation together and we both have alot invested emotionally in that and work together.
It's all out in the open, my wife (who is fantastic)is fine with us working together, and I let her know about most things that we talk about.
However, to be honest I still have harbour strong feelings of attachment for my friend and we have this "chemistry" in that we tend to think alike. It is hard work to let go internally and change the desire into a more general love and good will, but it seems that is what I am in for and hopefully will be able to grow from the process.

Most of the people commenting were the married one...I am the one who is single having an emotional affair with a married woman. The only physical contact has been hugs, but I want so much more. I cant stop thinking about it and my justification is to just do it and get it out of my system. I know she really wants to also, but I know its not right so we've never done anything. The common thread in all the posts is that is is SO hard to resist. This article was more for the married person..how does the other person end the emotional affair because even though I know its wrong, I still want too. How dumb is that...

I had an emotional affair with a sweet guy. I told him I still loved my husband (who only recently moved back into the house) and that I considered staying with him for the sake of my kids. But I told him I cared for him too. He decided to end the relationship because he said I was confused and he didn't want to cloud my judgment, no matter how he felt about me. He never tried to get me into bed. Decent guy. Now I can't get him out of my mind. Does he still care about me? I try to stay friends but I don't know how he feels about it. He responds to my emails, but is it painful for him to talk to me knowing I'm back with my husband? What should I do? I really want to know how he feels for me and then I'll know how to act.

What can you do if you think your spouse is having an emotional affair (and showing many but nnot all of the signs) but insists it is a purely platonic but deep friendship? Even after you press so hard the defensiveness and "I am not doing anything wrong!" statements become more intense?

I am going through this right now. It is horrible. There is so much pain, worst than what I felt in high school. We rekindled an old relationship.I know we were falling in love but we have kids and families. I didnt realize that the emotional affair is worst than others. I cant tell my husband nor can he. I would have wished we still had our friendship which was ruined. I miss that more than anything.

I am having an emotional affair. I am in a relationship. Me and my boyfriend live together and have two dogs. We've been together for six years, and I feel neglected. My affair is such a gentleman. We don't talk on the phone or email, but when we see each other I feel like the connection is undeniable. HELP

The workplace is a place of such temptation! I had an affair on my husband with a married coworker and had an emotional breakdown because of the guilt and also because of having to end it. I admitted the affair to my husband and he has forgiven me. Unfortunately, I seem to have traded in my physical affair for an emotional one, since now I can't seem to stay away from fascinating conversations with a single man at work. I have managed to stop the calls and emails, but still linger in his office. I've admitted to this second affair to my husband as well, he's been very understanding but agrees with me that I have to pull back before things get out of hand completely...I wish physical attraction wasn't so addictive and the fact that our culture is so mired in self-gratification and sexuality really doesn't help. Sometimes I wonder if these people are really our "friends" when they are participating in something morally wrong just as much as we are...

There is only one thing I cannot do in this list, and it is to tell my boyfriend. I'm a classic example of an emotional cheater! I went out with a guy I crushed on before, we had a few drinks, then kissed in the parking lot. I never intended to get that far, but I missed having someone kiss me and hold me that I couldn't stop myself. I only went out with him once, and I swear, I cannot, and will never go out with him again, knowing that I can be so weak.

As for all of you who is going through the same thing I am, you can do it! We can let go of this hurtful behavior and be better people. We CAN do the right thing. We are not alone! :)

I am so glad I found this article. I am having trouble letting go of a friendship with someone I've known for 15 years but only recently have gotten back in touch with. Our friendship has grown into something much more, very quickly I might add, as I was relying on this person for advice on my own marriage problems (which were ongoing for approximately half of our marriage). He always seemed to have the right answers/advice, or at least he said what I wanted to hear. The things he said I deserve in a relationship are all things that he said he would be able and willing to give me if we were together. He said he always had feelings for me and was sorry we grew apart years ago. He said he wanted to give me the life I need and deserve. I think I was so desperate for attention and emotional support that I feel I don't get at home, I fell for this man hard. I seriously contemplated leaving my husband and moving to be with this man. I would fantasize about how our life would be together, and how much better he seemed to be than my own husband. When I realized what I was feeling, I told my husband I was unhappy and wanted a divorce. When my husband begged for another chance to make things right, I told the other man that I want to give my marriage one last shot. I feel like if I invested half the time and energy into my marriage that I do with this newfound relationship, my husband and I can make it work. If things don't work out in the end, I don't want them to be because of this other person. However, I am still having trouble letting go of some of my thoughts/feelings for this other person. I have not told my husband about it, as I don't want to hurt him and I don't want him to hurt the other person (HAHA), with whom I have discussed remaining friends with. He said regardless of what happens with my marriage, he does not ever want to lose the friendship we have. That is important to me too. I know things cannot (and will never) be the same as before the "affair", but I feel like we can try. I do think I need to distance myself from him for awhile. I don't love him. I do love my husband. I want to make things work. It feels good to be able to type this out and not feel judged since so many other people are going through or have experienced this in their own lives as well.

It's interesting to read these comments...you think your situation is special, it will work out differently, but the stories are all the same.
I'm the other woman, had a brief affair with a married man I was friends with, but we ended things quickly and he wants to be friends and maintain our work relationship but it doesn't work. It's hard to separate things and I am forcing the distance more than him. We only had a few physical situations but the emotional part has been going on for about 2-3 months.
He was having issues in his marriage prior to our involvement, but in the end all of us deserve more. He and his wife deserve truth and happiness - together or apart, and I deserve someone that is 100% mine. They are seeking counseling and I have cut us off from the emotional/physical affair and we are trying to be work acquaintances.
It's hard, I miss him, the wonderful conversations and the connection we had but we crossed the line and it's painful, not enjoyable to spend time with him right now. If we are ever meant to be together, it has to be for the right reasons, only after he's dealt with his current situation.

It's interesting to read these comments...you think your situation is special, it will work out differently, but the stories are all the same.
I'm the other woman, had a brief affair with a married man I was friends with, but we ended things quickly and he wants to be friends and maintain our work relationship but it doesn't work. It's hard to separate things and I am forcing the distance more than him. We only had a few physical situations but the emotional part has been going on for about 2-3 months.
He was having issues in his marriage prior to our involvement, but in the end all of us deserve more. He and his wife deserve truth and happiness - together or apart, and I deserve someone that is 100% mine. They are seeking counseling and I have cut us off from the emotional/physical affair and we are trying to be work acquaintances.
It's hard, I miss him, the wonderful conversations and the connection we had but we crossed the line and it's painful, not enjoyable to spend time with him right now. If we are ever meant to be together, it has to be for the right reasons, only after he's dealt with his current situation.

i am involved in a fairly new e-motional affiar and am really struggling to come up with a good solution to the situation/problem. we have been able to stay away from any physical so far but its only a matter of time before it happens. i am desperately trying to figure out how to end it without either one of us hurting but it seems almost impossible. we have become very close and cant spend enough time together. the most recent detail i have noticed is that i dont have nearly as many distractions in my life as my affair does and think it may be harder for me to let go than her. should i step up and just end it knowing that she will probably be fine after a few weeks. also, how do we continue to work at the same small office after its over? can we remain friends or do we have to stay away from eachother, not talk etc.? any help would be appreciated!

This guy Im dating since January. He is having an emotional/real affair with his friend she's married. I don't know what to do. For some reason he told me this the other day. He said I thought you should know. It didnt seem to bother him that it upset me. He seemed to make Light of it like it was no big deal. He said he wants to date both of us but only have sex with me. He said she is giving him what I'm not. I asked him what am I not giving you? He didnt answer. His friends have told me he isnt the guy for me, but In my heart I know he is. If I listened to everybody that told me that I wouldnt be with him. I listen to my heart. He actually thanked me for not listening to others. I told him he needs to listen to his heart and not to his friends that give him bad advise. I don't think his friends like me. I really care about him but I don't want to share him with anybody especially a married woman. I've told him that. He didn't say anything he just gave me a look.
He has told me he loves me and I have told him too but I guess that isnt enough. I asked does she know about me? and he said no. She hasnt asked.
The way I know something was different with him was his behavior toward me. He used to call me at work just before he started work and on lunch or breaks just to say hi and see how my day was. Or he'd text me saying "thinking of you" Or "last night was nice" But now I rarely get anything.
We were supposed to get together last night and all of the sudden something came up and he couldnt. And what he did instead didnt turn out as fun as he thought.

We've also had some issues of "Titles" or "Labels" GF or BF Just friends, FWB. I told him I dont need a title I just need to know where I am in his heart. I feel like Im more just an FWB than anything but as much time as we spend together I thought we were more. I practically lived at his house. I had an overnight bag that Id take with me when I left but there were somethings I left there. He gave me a new toothbrush which I left there. I have my own side of the bathroom (he has double sinks) His 1st gift was a pair of gloves so when we went on walks my hands wouldnt get cold. 2nd gift was a stuffed bunny from a vending machine. He has met My family & friends. He came to my mom's bday party. I thought since he wanted to meet my family we were moving farther in our dating. He even planned trips with me but so far we havent gone on any. What to do Now? Stay or Go? I think affairs are wrong.

One of the worst things that can ever happen in your life. It cost me my career and mental health which are both now being rebuilt. The faster you get out the sooner you will get your life back....

I am married man in a strained relationship. I just ended a 4 month emotional affair with a 52 year old divorced woman, who used to be my classmae. She is a very succesful hairstylist, and mother of three grown children. She is a stunning blonde beauty and extremely attractive for her age. The thing that hurts me the most is that when I realized that I crossed the line between friendship and love, she rejected me firmly, telling me that I am not the type man she was looking for. When I told her that I respected her decision, I told her that I wanted to stop seeing her, for my own sake. She refused to let me go, insisting that she wanted to be friends with me. I was confused but I agreed. I fell inlove with her and I wanted more intimcacy, I just wanted to kiss her in the mouth and she rejected me every time. She didn't want to give one chance. Finnally I gave up, I didn't want to play more games. After a last meeting (of course I tried again to kiss her in the mouth, and guess what, she rejected me again), I decided no to call her again.She dind't call me back either. I am dying inside, crying every minute for my loss, but I knoe that I should no see or call her again, I think she is just feeling lonely and playing with my feelings. But I miss her so much. it is the second day of my grieving, and my heart paisn is almost unbearable. It is just so painful, I don't know if I going to make it...

I cannot believe I'm not alone. I've been happily married for 19 years and have 2 boys, age 18 and 13. This guy, my emotional partner, I've met on a social site, is more than 10 years my junior. He is in a relationship and he told me they were having problems.We talked almost everyday through emails, IMs and phone and my day wouldn't be complete without his good morning. We met once and nothing really happened but a tender kiss. That kiss still lingers and I so wanted to stay in his arms. It was a brief meeting, not even an hour. He told me after a few days that they (he and his GF) have patched things up but he did not really say goodbye to me. Told me his GF found one of my emails and to top it up, the one confessing my unconditional love to him. After that, he wouldn't talk to me for days. On Sunday, he sent me numerous IMs apologizing, saying that he still wants me but was asking if we could ever be together because his GF is away for a few days and he wants to meet with me. I just had a minor operation and I'm still drowsy from all the meds. Told him about it and he did not seem to buy it but it was true. Or maybe he finally came to the realization that we he does not want this kind of relationship. I've told him a few days back that I'm willing to be whatever he wants me to be as long as I have him in my life. The last time I had contact with him was Monday night on YM. We exchanged a few words and he just disappeared on me. I couldn't sleep. I miss him terribly and wondering what has happened to him or if he still has feelings for me. The pain is unbearable and I cannot explain why since I've never done anything like this. I've never loved anybody other than my husband before he came into my life. If this is just infatuation, how can it hurt this bad? I can't stop crying but I know I have to let go coz he finally did it- he let me go. I have to rebuild my life and I don't know where to start, please help!

I am having an emotional affair with my husband's best friend. I have the feelings, I'm not sure that he does, too. What's really strange is that I've told my husband all about it on numerous occasions, and he seems to be unfazed. He's even said, "I'm sure you could win John over with your feminine wiles." What the hell? I think he's just holding it in, like if he doesn't try to keep me then he doesn't have to feel like a failure if I do leave. Also, I think he's giving me a lot of trust. But I'm tired of obsessing over this other guy (who is kind of a jerk), so I'm going to stop flirting with him, even though we exercise together. I'll probably have to stop exercising with him eventually as well. One last thing- although I feel lust for this other guy, I've found that I can channel that lust into great sex with my husband. It helps.

I am going through this.

My emotional affair started at work with a younger guy. Hes 23 Im 47. I have had no problem with my marriage. He is just a sweet talker that wore me down. Months and months of talkin and texting. I couldnt figure him out other that I knew I was attracted to him very much. One day he loved me and another he shut me out. He feels almost bipolar. I could of gone further a few times but it never did. I have never been in this situation before so I dont know how to handle it other then to try to stop. I am so emotionally involved I actually get sick to my stomach if I dont hear from him at work. I know I should end it but its like an addiction I cant quit. What helps me keep it together is the fact that he is 23 and Im sure goes out and talks about me with his friends over beers. This has been going on for about 9 months. I do see it ending as I think hes getting tired of it also. I guess he knows I dont know how to go further with this. The only thing to do is try to distance myself. I say that each day I go to work but I find myself wanted to see how he is doing. I can tell that this bothers him also. Its like he tries not to get incontact with but but usually does. Hes constantly giving me a hard time about not calling him and then when he does its like hes mad I did. Im sure he must feel sorry for my husband. I know I do. I never had any intention of having an affair. I have always found others attractive which is normal but never have I had any one shower me with the words this guy uses. I tell myself that you'd have to be dead to not fall like I did. I know hes just a player maybe trying to find some older love but it all seemed so sincere when it started. Just two friends and then it became more. Sometime I wonder if he thinks about what he has done to my life. I once thought I was so lucky to have met him and have him in my life. Now I find myself think what have I done to deserve this. When he stops talking to me it tears me up. Hes starting to get a little disrespectful and that hurts. How can I blame him. Its like I took advantage of his kindness and he may of wanted more. Ill never know. I feel its ending but each day my heart feels like it being broken. And my husband has had to live with this. Im sure he knows that Im atracted to him and upset. I just love hearing his voice each day. I dont think I am looking for advice. I know what I have to do. I just need the strenght to do it. I surely can not leave my job. Any thoughts?

I recently found out that my wife has been having an emotional affair for about 6 months. I started just like all of these other stories. I do blame myself for some of it because I was not meeting her emotional needs and she ended up turning to a friend and their relationship grew. She tells me that she still loves me, but she loves him to. She will not break off contact with him because she says she does not really know what she wants. He is married, but he has told her that he would leave his wife for her. I have tried to tell her she needs to do exactly what this article says. I am now going to give it to her to read. Maybe it will hit home coming from so many other people rather than just me. I still love my wife with all my heart and am willing to do whatever it takes to save our marriage. It is good to know this is so common and many people have been able to over come this. I hope and pray that we can.

I've never given my wife a hard time about having male friends that she went to high school, met at work or school. These relationships are important and helpful. Recently, though she exchanged phone numbers with a man that she knows through a video game for like a year. How well can you actually know someone through a game. I only found out that she was texting him by accident by way of her own admission. She said he is a friend. I asked her nicely not to contact him outside of the game as I felt it was inappropriate. A week after I find they had been texting each other 10-50 times a day. This man is at work mind you and has a wife and a child. Then around 5 p.m. they would be together with others playing a team game. My wife during this time period wouldn't really talk to me, allow me to play the game with her and isolated me. Affection and sex were pretty much dead. We were already having problems and going to therapy but she refuses to go very often and won't take the therapist advice. Once I confronted her about the texting she made out as if she had the right to have whatever friends she chose and that I was exaggerating the situation. Sh was causing her to be bitter and alone and cutting her off from friends. She deleted his number and said she would no longer text him again but they still played the game and send in game messages. She ultimately, revoked my privelges to look at our cellphone bill, canceled the paper bill from coming to the house and will not give me the password to the account. She has also been overly defensive about me looking at bills that have her name on them. It is important that I know our expenses though. Especially when you have maxed out a credit card and is making payments on it without telling me. I also had been doing most of the shopping, cleaning,taking the children to the park and going to school as well while she remained in the house. She also stopped going to college halfway through the semester. I went to her best friends for help as I didn't know what to do anymore. She was angry because I told info to her friends that she didn't herself reveal. I know in hindsight this was wrong but I needed help support and didn't know what to do. I returned from training for the Air National Guard in Nov 08. I was in other states for 15 months and we had many problems during that separation. I have been blaming myself for all that has happened. At the same time all the literature I've read says she had an emotional affair.

I realized 2 years ago I was crazy about a friend who is also my Pastor. I have been in a marriage that was an emotional desert for 13 years and it was getting worse by the day. Little innocent things fueled my attraction. I kept silent, and withdrew from my beloved who didnt understand and pressed forward thinking he could help me...I left my husband and went to another city for 8 months... I returned and seeing him for the first time, and his response to me told me that he was as hung up on me as I with him. He has been transfered to a new church, I am now divorced and working on my life. I have disclosed to my therepist, and my blog He has disclosed to his wife who called me and said she knew considered it an occupational hazzard and said thank you for not pursueing him. I love them both but am devestated. This is the most painful break up of my life. He is my true soul mate, but I know that he will never be mine. I dont know how to let go other than no calls no emails and go through the wife if there is something some form of communication needed. I know that had we stayed in the same town one more month it would have been too late... God help us all...

I was involved in a emotional affair with someone I dated many years ago. As time went on the emails became more and more intense and finally the relationship turned sexual. My marriage had been in trouble for many years. Once this affair turned sexual it became more and more difficult to stop it. Late last year I left my husband and children and am now in the process of a divorce and my partner is now is process of divorce with his wife. Over the almost 1 year of looking back at this affiar I am sure I made a mistake. Not that I want my soon to be ex husband back because I feel nothing for him but becasue my children who are 18 and almost 17 have disowned me and will not speak to me. They live with their dad. If I could do it all over again I guess I would have stayed in the loveless marriage just so my kids would still love me. I do feel bad that I hurt my husband as I feel no one really deserves it but now I have found out that he is having an emotional affiar. Don't know if it was going on before I left but the same thing I was doing is what he is doing now. I miss my boys terribly but I guess I am paying the price for my decision.

Finding this article has been helpful for me. I'm happily married with a young child. I found an old boyfriend on a social networking site, and we exchanged a couple of e-mails sporadically at first. Over a few months the amount of e-mails increased, and then we began talking on the phone. Once we began talking the relationship took on a life of its own. My friend told me he was in love with me, and he described in detail the type of life he wanted to have with me. I always cared about him and occasionally thought about him over the years, so to hear his admission really struck a cord in me. The relationship took off. We began talking/texting frequently, e-mailing and using instant messenger every day. My friend told me I was his soul mate and we began to believe we were meant to be together. We shared our dreams and aspirations for the future. We discovered all the things we had in common and had so much fun laughing and rediscovering one another. I began to think about leaving my husband and began to envision a future with my affair. Eventually my husband found out and I cannot describe how HORRIBLE it was. He was absolutely crushed and heartbroken to discover I had feelings for someone else. I promised my husband I would cut all contact with my friend, but I haven't. I told my affair that we could not be together, and that we can only be friends. We still talk and e-mail every day. My husband has no idea. I feel so badly, but I feel like I can't stop. I even joked with my affair that I'm addicted to him, but now I see it’s true. I know that I have to cut all contact with him, but the thought of it is unbearable to me. I can barely get through the day without hearing his voice. I know I can't go on like this indefinitely but I feel powerless. To make matters worse, he will be in town in a few weeks. We have planned to get together just as friends, but I'm secretly hoping things become physical. I know that to even see him is courting disaster...but I can't help myself. My affair has told me if I were to become available he would be there for me. He has told me that if he moves on he will be settling because he will not have the connection he has with me with anyone else. I still love my husband, and I'm going out of my way to show him I love him, but I cannot get my affair out of my head or my heart. It's gotten so bad that I'm fantasizing about my affair when I have sex with my husband. HELP!

Hi

I never thought it owuld be possible for this even happen.

I fell in love with my wife about 4 years ago and just under a year afterwrds I met another woman who offerd me so much of emotional stbaility that I started to depend on her immensely.

The reason for this is that my wife has a case of sever depression and found out sooner after our marriage that I wasn't understood emotionally at all!!

The next few years were excruciating and I ams till left confused knwoing what i have to do but still unsure of how I feel towards either person.

Several of my friends went through the painful process of having affairs. I always thought it could never, ever happen to me. I was very judgemental and looked down my nose at them. Well, boy, did I get what was coming to me. My "friendship" grew slowly and steadily. Mostly phone calls and texts. I knew the exact evening I was on the phone with my "friend" that if my husband and his wife knew about how much time we spent talking, that neither would be happy about it. He mad me feel so special and he cared about me and what I thought. I knew he needed me and I also needed him. He is a kind and loving man who wasn't being emotionally fulfilled in his marriage. We grew closer and closer and eventually fell in love. He would sometimes hug me and we shared only a few kisses but our connection didn't need any physical effection. We were emotionally bonded and that was what we needed. I ended up getting caught. My husband confronted me and I confessed everything. (His wife knows nothing.) I love my husband and never planned to hurt him or to leave him. He wasn't going to leave his wife either. We tried to end it and stop talking many times. We were so emotionally dependedent on one another that this was virtually impossible. We have severed ties once again and have been without contact for 4 days. We are both seeing marriage counselors which us to quit communicating. This is the longest we have gone w/o communicating with one another since Feb. I miss him and feel like I have experienced a death in my family. Although I love my husband, sometimes I think if this man were to think life is too short to be in an unhappy marriage and he were to come and knock on my door, I don't know if I could turn him away. I know he is trying to find the source of his unhappiness and the reason he stepped outside of his marriage. I am trying to do this too and while we were attached, it was just too complicated. I miss him so much and don't want to spend the rest of my life without him in it. I don't think these feelings will ever, ever fade.

We were great friends for a year, and then over a very quick period, the whole thing fell off a cliff. We had an intense hug and knew I had to end it. Tried to, but couldn't and things got out of hand. Now I am really connected with my wife and family, but still run into my friend from time to time. We are both recommitted to our respective families, but would like to see each other twice a year, taking breaks when needed to keep feelings in check. Her husband is okay with us occasionally talking to each other, but my wife will never let us be friends. It's very hard for me, as I can't imagine not being able to "legally" talk to her for the rest of my time on this planet.

Well, I am here to add my story to the accumulated life stories of this site. It all began in 2000 when I hired my assistant. There is a 14 year age difference between us. I am the older one. She was and still is married and has two sons. I am also married with three sons and a wife at home. She and I worked closely together for 8 years. She virtually ran my office and was the absolute most wonderful assistant anyone could have. There was never any hint of sexual interest on either of our parts during this entire time. On many occasions she would tell me of her marital problems. These marital issues ultimately caused her to leave her husband and the family residence. She now lives in a much better part of town with the older son. Her husband and the younger son live in the house. Last year 2008, due to economic issues, I decided to lay her off. I wrote one of the best reference letters one could write, and she got a job in very short order making almost twice as much as she was with me. Some time later, as I indicated, she moved. Because she has moved to a part of town that I formerly lived in, I volunteered to show her some of the sights. We called them "nooks and crannies". It was during our second such walk on a beautiful July day sitting on a park bench that I told her how "...it is funny how two people can work together so long and just somehow....fall in love". She turned toward me and told me that she had always loved me, from the very beginning, but would never have said anything because of my wife and children. Well folks, our emotional affair has progressed. We are deeply in love, I mean, way down deep in the "Boogie Woogie" and I have no idea how I am going to extricate myself or her from this wonderful, painful, fufilling, aching, erotic and fabulous mess. We both know that it is wrong. But we cannot seem to pull away. I have never participated in such an overwhelming, consuming, awe-inspiring, peaceful, graceful and loving romantic relationship in my entire life. Obviously, space does not allow me to go into all if the issues that plagued me and my wife of 15 years. I do know this. It is like a drug. The emotional (and for me, unfortunately, physical) affair is very powerful. To our mutual credit, she and I have begun ended the sexual element (I am sad to say because, "Oh Baby!" but that's another website altogether). Suffice it to say, I have a lot of work to do, a lot of pain to endure. Wish me luck.

I'm there right now. We both have troubled marriages, but the emotional affair is equally as troubling. I broke it off, but she wants to return to the working-friends relationship. I have to agree it isn't a good idea.

I am a 45+ yr old married woman with 4 kids & I am in an emotional affair with a younger man -- 10 years younger. He is single but has been with his girlfriend for a very long time & lives with her. We work together and I silently developed a crush on him over the past few years. We innocently started emailing each other & before we knew it, we found out we both liked each other. Our emails got more & more flirty. We started sharing everything by email. We eventually hugged and then kissed. This all happened so quickly and now we are trying to back off but we work together, so its hard. I don't want to lose his friendship. Everyone on here writes about how they love their spouse. My problem is that I don't think I love him anymore. He was verbally abusive & I know thats exactly how I became so vulnerable. I know the guy I am in the affair with is not perfect & I have no false dreams that he will leave his girlfriend for me. But, I do feel like we COULD have a wonderful life together. We have a lot in common. I have never felt so attracted (physically & emotionally) to anyone before. I don't think its just because I was unhappy in my marriage. I think I would have liked him no matter what my situation was. But, I do feel that having a bad marriage allowed me to take this path. I don't even feel guilty about it. I am thankful to have met him. I think part of me is already in love with him but we are now trying to cool it off. Is there anyone else out there that doesn't have regrets, and doesn't feel guilty? Also, anyone out there that this ever worked out for? All the posts are so depressing and negative. If nothing else, I just want to stay being his friend because I really care about him.

thanks so much to everyone comments and experience. I know now what i have to do. My life has been difficult for me because of abuse as a child and my husband doesn't like to talk about it and he's a very physical person and doesn't give up. It is really hard for my to have sex with him and he just doesn't understand. I've been talking to a friend also about my problems and he was very comforting about it but now even he's pusing sex on me which i don't understand. I guess maybe its all about sex! Even if i needed some emotional support now he wants something in return.

I found out July 6, 2008 that my husband was engaging in an emotional affair with a woman he worked with. When I confronted him with the myspace emails about how much they missed each other, he denied any wrong doing. When I confronted her she apologized and said she "never meant to hurt anyone"... When I told her husband what a whore she was and how she was trying to break up my marriage, suddenly she became enraged and could not believe how I could interfere in HER marriage. Meanwhile, she'd been emailing, texting and kissing my husband in her office after work with NO regard for my feelings.
My husband swore he'd cut all ties with her and that he loved only me. I forgave his actions but could not forget what he'd done with her. The attention he gave her hurt so much. I'd spent 10 years begging him to make me feel special, treat me with kindness and pay attention to my feelings and he refused. He was so selfish, but yet he willingly gave a piece of himself to this woman.
To make a long story a little shorter, he never left his job and the two continued to work together. I begged him to find work elsewhere, but he refused.
In March 2009, his lies once again came to the surface. Yes, he'd resumed contact with this woman. But swore that they were "just friend" this time. I'm sorry but I refuse to believe him. It's October now and he still works with her and now this time swears he's not talking to her.

I believe that he's just gotten much, much better at hiding his lies from me. I don't think he ever stopped talking to her and I think he's still in contact with her.

His emotional affair ruined our marriage. I don't trust him any further than I can throw him and I fully believe it's a matter of time before we divorce.

It started out innocently enough, with him asking questions about a recent surgery. Then the questions escalated to a sexual nature, and I just thought it was curiosity. We had been online friends for several years so I really thought nothing of it. There's a 14 year gap between us (I'm the older) and we're both married. Before I knew it, though, it turned sexual (strictly online). The flirting, banter, and explicit sexual talk became addictive, and we were spending almost all day, every day, chatting online while at work. We'd even chat in the evenings with our families around us, sometimes very sexually. We'd text back and forth, sometimes more than 100/day. We spoke on the phone several times. I became obsessed and couldn't wait to hear from him again, and got really antsy when I went for "too long" w/out hearing from him. I was totally addicted, and knew I had to end it. I ended it with an email, very amicably, and he responded with a one-liner that said he understood and no hard feelings. We still run into each other online now, and it's SO hard. It's been a week since I ended it and the first several days were spent crying (no, my husband didn't know why I was crying, but he suspected). This emotional affair only lasted (the secretive part) for 2 months, but it was the most sexually charged, exciting thing that I'd ever done. Ending it was the hardest, and I still miss him SOOOO much! I'm not sure if I miss HIM or the ATTENTION, but I still hurt! I'm reading a lot about this and learning that I"m not alone. I'm so glad to know I'm not a freak!

I am currently involved in an emotional affair. Although it doesn't make it right, I had decided to divorce my husband before I started the emotional affair. The guy is an old High School classmate (21 years ago) who had a crush on me during that time. Well, I connected with him on our High School social site and he sent me an email. Boy had he changed physically... for the better. So, it started with him pursuing my friendship with a call and texts. He confirmed that he had a major crush on me in High School and I guess it "tickled" my ear. It progressed to more and more flirting. I was going to go back to my hometown for Thanksgiving and visit him during my vistion, but I felt guilty and did not go because I felt it would turn into something sexual. A month ago, I sent him a "Dear John Letter" to break things off... but he started to pursue me again and fell back into it. He thought we were just taking it slow. Well, we haven't talked in a couple of days, and I pray I have the strength to leave him alone eventhough I am about to go through a divorce. I think the attraction had a lot to do with the fact that I am in a unhappy marriage and he provided emotional support and friendship.

I made the mistake of 'befriending'an admirer on myspace.I was honest about myself,age marital status,kids etc from the beginning,also informing this 7 year younger single man that I am and was not looking for an affair.Still,we exchanged emails and cellphone calls and pics.Emails became sexual on his part,I never said stop..2 months later,'found' me at my job,and visited unannounced.I was shocked but happy to see my 'friend'.Looking back on his refusal to accept the fact that im attached and unavailable..I need advice on how to get rid of him.He still txts me,although i've told him this situation makes me unhappy,and stressed.Is he a stalker? Advice please?

I am in an emotional affair right now and I am having a tough time breking it off. It started off innocent or so I thought, it is a guy from high school with whom I havent seen in 12 years, we text and talk daily and I get very down and upset if I go one day without talking to him. I am married with 3 children, he is also married ..I feel bad for both spouses and my children because I feel that I have not been there for them these last 6 months...i feel like all i can do is think about him. i have tried to break it off several times but I get sucked back in. We have even set up times to meet, but they have all fallen through. I think he is scared and this may be a game for him, but I am starting to have real feeling for him and need to stop. I am confused and want to end this help!

I got involved emotionally, I let it progress to a physical relationship. In retrospect I wish I'd walked away but I was weak and felt that the affair was not destructive. It was, without a shadow of a doubt, don't get caught like I did and just get out now. It's taken me nearly 5 years to now make the break from my lover and after a few weeks of upset, hurting and staying true to my decision, I am moving on. I just wish I'd done it sooner, or as I said before, walked away before it began. I am hoping I can rebuild the trust and revive my relationship with my amazing wife. Only time will tell...

my wife of 19 years is having an emotional afair I know I see her text him every night till almost 4am I asked her to stop and she said he is just a friend. her and I do not talk a all anymore she asked for a devorice but wont get the papers. I am lost becuse she is everything in the world to me, I know I am partialy to blame for this as I was addicted to vidio games and played way to much. so my question is what do I do? call the guy and tell him to leave her alobe? that might drive her farther away from me. I am going to couceling alone as she said she does not want to try and fix our marriage wich goes 100% against our belifes

Wonderful suggestions. Thank you so very much for posting this. It gives me even further encouragement to cut ties with an online pen-pal who likes me more than he should. Thank you so much.

I am very thankful for this article. I've been with my current boyfriend for the past 4 yrs, and when we first began dating an incident happened that made me question one of his male/female friendships. I've since had several conversations, and seen a few more inconsistencies in their frienship that have made me question his actions. I haven't been able to convince him that his behavior is inappropriate, and our conversations have resulted in his angry reaction. He doesn't understand why our years together haven't convinced me that he wants to be with me. My reaction, is that his relationship with his female friend has caused me to doubt his intentions. After I was told to attend counseling for my "issues", by my boyfriend, after my first session, I was asked to bring him to couples therapy. His reaction was anger, and I became very disheartened. I explained that his actions with his friend, coupled with less sex, less intimacy overall, and lack of interest in our home life and tasks, have caused me to doubt his intentions. After a rough week, and many discussions this past weekend, he will join me in counseling. I am scared, but I want to get to the bottom of it and hopefully get him to see my side of things. I know and feel that he loves me, but I feel that he is unwilling to make a change in how he has his approached his friendship. She is 10yrs younger than him, and he is very infuential in her decision making. She is also now dating someonecloser to his age.

This is a good article, my husband of 28 yrs has had a lot of online emotional affairs, some very serious and every time he stops he finally ends up in another one. He seems to find more comfort in these relationships than his own marriage and even though he will promise me he will not do it again he just cannot help himself.

We are getting divorced too many stressful years and serious financial woes, I was willing to stick it out because I love my husband but he shows little effort continues to search for another woman and lies about it too.

Once a partner becomes involved in an EA it is very difficult to pull them back for good, as it is much easier the 2nd 3rd 4th time and each time the significant other becomes less important to the extent they will disolve a marriage just so they can continue with the EA, or go from EA to full sexual relationship.

I have decided I deserve better & she can keep him, I am moving on when I get the chance :0)

I am in an emotional affair right now and it is killing me. I have been married for six years... my husband and I have twins together. I love him but things are lacking right now in our relationship. I am having an emotional affair with my high school/early college sweetheart. Things with us ended rather abruptly way back when (I was only 17-18 years old and he was 19-20 years old; we were very immature).But I knew he loved me and I broke his heart. Fast foward 17 years and here we are. We have reconnected and fallen hard for each other again. He is married and has two children. He said he isn't happy in his marriage and wasn't before we even started talking. We have both admitted that we almost have an addiction to talking to each other, exchanging emails, texting, etc. It's getting really difficult. He is a policeman, so he will call me from his office and there is no record of the call anywhere...it's untraceable (convenient!). We've tried to break off contact twice but it hasn't worked. He will usually end up texting me a small and simple "hi" message and then I will reply in an email. There has been no physical contact, so we are almost justifying what we're doing...even though we both know it's wrong. I am having a really hard time sticking to my guns and I know he is a wreck as well. He says he listens to CDs in his patrol car while he is on duty that remind him of us....and I sit around and do the same thing when I am home alone, crying, listening to songs that take me back to when we were together. It's horrible!!! We are both to blame and I know that. We've actually talked about moving back to our hometown (which is in between where we each live now) and getting jobs, him getting transferred, etc. It's all crazy talk. I am putting more time and energy into my relationship with my ex than I am into my own husband. Whatever you do, don't get involved in one of these emotional affairs because they will break your heart!

The problem with emotional affairs is that they are based on fantasy thinking, and the interloper will always look better than the spouse. There is a strong biological component that results in a physical addiction to their lover that can be harder to break than a heroine habit. I've lived through this with an otherwise decent & loving husband, but it does "break" your relationship with your mate once it happens. Things will never be the same again or "better" as some people want you to believe. My advice: Get the biggest box of tissues you can find and dump the cheater, and yes that means even if you have been together for 20+ years. It's over.

Unwinding an emotional affair is a fearful experience based on knowing that the day will come when the love you once experienced with that "Bestest Friend" is extinguished. Hanging on to the last text or soft voice is like collecting useless tokens from history. Moving on and rebuilding is a necessary behavior, recognizing that grieving is OK is one step toward liking yourself again.
Never seeing that person again may not be the best thing to do. Slowly putting things in place so that "All Will Be Well" may in fact be more theraputic so that at the end of the day you live in peace with your decisions.

This article made me cry, as I suspected that I was indeed having an emotional affair.... as I read the article and all the stories below, reality set in... Thank you.
How do you handle the after effects after you break all communication off? at this point, i feel addicted to this person....

I just ended an emotional affair about two months ago and the pain is still there, but at least I am at peace with myself. To help get through this difficult time, I have been praying a lot, repeatedly reminding myself of why I shouldn't be with this other person, and sticking with my choice of cutting off all communication with him. I also go back and read the posts from this forum which helps remind me of how terrible this situation can become and how important it is to stay away from this person and move on with my life.

I think it's better to break away from an emotional affair than to become a lying cheater and lose your self respect.

I feel so lost, I have been with my husband for 6 years, married for one, he is a good man and a good husband but it feels like we are more brother and sister. I have been having an emotional affair with someone who I love very deeply. we have now stopped contacting each other, as its not fair on our respective marriages, he also has 3 beautiful children - I know that we are doing the "right" thing, I would never want to hurt him or his family so I understand I need to stay away but it feels like I am dead inside without him. I cry everynight. I do not know what to do as my husband deserves a good wife, not someone who constantly thinks of someone else. I wonder if this gets any easier.

Regarding the comment just before mine (2/27/10), I am in the same situation as you. Its been 4 months & I still cry almost everyday. I feel like I am no longer fully "there" for my kids or my husband. I've had a difficult marriage so things were bad to begin with but now I feel like the door to my heart has been closed to him forever. We are in counseling but all I do is think about the guy I had the affair with. Its getting a little easier but not much easier. I have to see my "love" at work at least 2-3 times a week & this makes it much harder. Anyone know of a place where you can blog with other people in this situation?? Also, anyone know how men come out of this situation? Seems like my guy is doing better than me & I don't see too many men writing on these sites.

I have been married for 37 years,and untill now had a great marriage and still do.Never look at an other man untill my neighbor that i have know in the neighborhood 5 years,but never had any attraction towards him untill i ask if he would someday like to go on bike ride.when i ask it was so innocent.Well we started sharing things about ourselves and really became great friends,than we got closer and look forward to seeing each other more than we should have.We did carry away once but the friendship is what we enjoy more than anything else.Just laughing and really not talking about home stuff.But my daughter found out and show the emails to my husband and our world came crashing down.My daughter also told his wife of 38 years.We kept in contact for awhile after we got caught,both spouses have forgiven us.We no longer e-mail each other but see each other in town since he lives 2 blocks away.So chance meeting him are high.I do still think of him often he also does of me.I knew it was not going to be easy,i do love my husband and feel awful that i hurt such a decent man that has given me everything that life has to offer.But i also love my friend and its so hard to let go but who ever said that doing the right thing would be easy.I know he will always be in my heart because the past is not eraseable its what makes us who we are today.And sometimes you have to give up so others can have.I just wonder if there are man out there still think of there friend even after they got back with there wife.I'm going full force in making my marriage work because its the right thing to do.God hates Divorce,i made a commtiment for better or worse.God help us all in this site,we need it.

It would be great if there was an emotional affair support group online. I haven't been able to find one. This has been one of the most difficult things that I've ever had to go through. Almost as painful as losing my father two years ago.

I'm so hurt by the person I had an emotional affair with. He gave me a guilt trip when I ended it. It made me think that he must not have cared for me much to begin with. If he really cared about me, he wouldn't have made me feel bad about doing what's best for me and my family, right?
I've started reading a book called Every Woman's Battle by Shannon Ethridge (there's also a man's version "Every Man's Battle" by Stephen Arterburn). I've only read 10 pages so far, and it has already opened my eyes to what is really going on and what steps to take to move forward.

I found an online support group for Emotional Affairs if anyone wants to join. I just joined so I can't say if its helpful or not. But, its worth a shot. Here is the link. If it doesn't work, just google "BeliefNet" and then look up Emotional Affairs. There is a link to join from there.

Oops, forgot the link to the support group. Here it is:
http://www.beliefnet.com/Love-Family/Relationships/Emotional-Affairs/inde x.aspx

I am in an emotional affair. I never thought this would be me! Reading this has helped, at least I know I am not alone. I never thought I would fall inlove with this friend. I was also friends with his wife but out of guilt I have pulled away. It started out with him crying on my shoulder about his marriage, texting and e-mailing all hours of the day and night. Then it turned into flirting and what we as far as intamacy. A few kisses too. Then finally to 'I love you and wouldn't want to be without you'... Now he is pulling back. I KNOW he is doing this with at least 2 other women!!! All of our friends just think he is the nicest, sweetest guy. Recently I have seen a side of him that I know I need to get away from but it just hurts SOOOO much. We used to text hundreds of times a day! It is so hard to resist. Like an addicition.... Will the pain ever go away??? We have the same circle of friends, how am I going to around him and watch him flirt with everyone else???? Huge drinker and HUGE flirt..... My husband knows most of it and we are woring through it.(He also had an EA, with a coworker) His wife has NO idea or doesn't want to know.

Yes we all know what to do, but it is not easy. Especially if it is someone that you have to see frequently.

My husband has been involved in an emotional affair for many years. The woman lives in another state and has never met her but he feels he is in love with her. Our marriage has many ups and downs and I am fighting to keep my marriage. We have started counseling to find out where the marriage broke down. I believe I have caused the affair to happen, but I am totally committed to my marriage and will do what it takes to save it. This affair has caused nothing but havoc in our marriage. My husband believes he is doing nothing wrong! Anyone who is involved in an emotional affair, please think twice. The pain that it causes affects not only both husband and wife but children as well. I may lose a 20+ years of marriage because of this. Even though my husband and I are reconnecting, we will not be able to rebuild our marriage until he ends his affair.

If you are being tempted by someone, it's important to remember that you can't always control your thoughts and feelings, but you can control your actions. Do whatever is necessary to try to work on your marriage so that at least you know you've done everything you can to make it work. If you feel like crying, let it out during the times that you are alone so that your family doesn't ask you why you're crying. This has helped me a lot. Another thing you should check out is "enhanced no contact". Google it - it provides ten ways to improve the no contact experience. There are a lot of steps to the process, but it has helped me. I hope this helps you or someone you know who is going through this.

Hi Missy,

I think that it’s a good sign that your husband was honest with you. Having an emotional affair is a very difficult thing to admit to. It took quite a few glasses of wine for me to admit my emotional affair to my husband because I felt so ashamed. I thought we had a good marriage too, but once the emotional affair began, it started to take on a life of its own and caused me to question my commitment to my husband and try to figure out how this could have happened. I realized that deep down I didn’t feel like my husband appreciated me the way he used to and I also felt like he preferred the company of others over me. When I confronted him about this, he said that it wasn’t true and he couldn’t understand why I felt this way. Then I suggested that we go on vacation, just the two of us. And then he got this really serious look on his face and asked what about our daughter coming with us. This is when I said that this is a good example of why I feel like he doesn’t really care about spending quality alone time with me. He tried to deny it, but I could tell by the look on his face that he knew I was right. This is when his attitude began to completely change, and we began going out more together, just the two of us.

I think that another reason that this has happened is because we have reached the “comfort zone” level in our relationship because we have been together for so long (15 years) and once this happens, I think that it is more likely for one or both partners to look for “excitement” elsewhere. Don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t happen in every marriage, but this has been one of the major reasons for me to start having an emotional affair. The thing is, I still love my husband very much. My husband has had the same concerns that you are having because I work with the guy that I have been thinking about (fortunately, I don’t see him very often). It is important to find out if your husband wants to make the marriage work. He may not have an answer yet because this situation is so confusing. For awhile, I thought that I was in love with this other guy because I couldn’t stop thinking about him. When my husband asked if I wanted to make it work, I told him I did, even when I wasn’t completely sure. As time has gone on, I’ve realized that this is the best decision for me to make right now, especially because we have a ten year old daughter and I still love my husband. I have really tried hard to forget about this other guy, but I can’t seem to do it. It’s a very frustrating situation for me. I think the most important thing to do is not question your husband about it all of the time. It is very possible that it could take years for him to stop thinking about this other person….I’ve been thinking about this other guy for about a year now (much to my dismay). I keep praying and hoping that one day I will stop thinking about him. I've decided that I’m not going to end a marriage with someone I love for someone I like.

I realized my wife was having an emotional affair but she refuses to admit anything is wrong. Everyone else can see it but she gets angry and tells me I'm being too controlling and doesn't want her to have friends, which has never been true. Since then, we can't even talk about our relationship without her saying it drives her further away. If I can just get her to see the relationship is unhealthy, I think she would end it, but he's the closest friend she said she's had. I may also be paranoid but I think he knows what he is doing. He's a married father of five and uses my wife to satisfy his emotional needs while leaving his wife at home with the kids. If only I could get her to see what is actually going on. My only hope is his wife.

I'm in an emotional affair with a comitted man (living with his gf of 15 years). It's been going on for 6 months now... growing with intensity as the months pass. We could so easily get physical (have crossed the line a few times) but we both hold back. Problem is I'm single so I don't struggle as much because I don't have a partner I have to go home to after seeing him. We talk almost everyday... usually till all hours of the night on the phone, sometimes text. Our conversations are always very sexual and intimate. The problem is that I KNOW he's having a hard time admitting what we're doing. He doesn't talk about things seriously... always joking. Starts to tell me things and then changes the subject. Can't bring himself to admit what he's/we're doing, I think. If we talk about it, it's real. If we just keep doing what we're doing, it's fun. He's looking for fun because there are lots of problems in his relationship. He's just finally admitted that too. I think he's a "sweep it under the rug" guy. I want more than what I'm getting from him. I'm falling/have fallen for him and I think the same is true for him. Originally we talked about being "friends" only and not crossing the physical line. Since that's happened, he now says he's my "best friend". and we see each other less but talk more intimately on the phone. I think he's worried about seeing me because of what happened. I think it scared him.... feelings that he has to deal with. I've read what everyone has posted.... so hard to walk away from it once you're in it but seems like the "smart" thing to do. I'm not so "smart" in love :(

Any suggestions about how to transform an emotional affair into a healthy friendship? Have realised recently with a friend we were having an EA, our spouses now know about it (no more secrecy) and we have taken some distance (no more contact for some time) to "cool it off"... Plans are to transform our EA into a healthy long term friendship. Any success stories out there?

At the moment i dont believe its possible to turn an EA into a healthy rel as you have such a strong bond with the person. Im in the same situation. Mine has been going on for 6 months. Its crazy i am actually adicted to him. Always texting. I dont even know if im really attracted to him there is just something about him. He is alot older than me and it would never work out. Everytime I hear from him its like I go into a trance. I want to stop it and get over it but im just lost. It has had an awful effect on my life. Why cant I just walk away and forget about him. Its like I have him on a pedastal.

I want the people who are having emotional affairs to realize the pain they are causing to their spouses. When I found out about my husbands emotional affair with a co-worker it was like he had stabbed me with a knife and twisted. I felt empty inside. He said he still loves me but love is built on trust and I can't trust him also how can you intentionally hurt a person you love and keep secrets from them. If the other person you are having an affair with means so much to you then leave the person you are commited to. You can't have both. If he would have put the same energy into our marriage that he did into the affair maybe he wouldn't of had to seek someone else out. There is no such thing as "Just friends" if you have to keep them a secret.

I am a man having an emotional affair. But, my affair is probably the most dangerous of all...I'm having it with the woman I should've married. When I was 18 I made a fateful decision to choose the woman I eventually married at 22 over this girl. I made this decision for stupid reasons: she lived too far away (opposite ends of North America) and she was in a higher socio-economic class (she was wealthy...I came from a solidly middle class home). We were best friends...and I secretly loved her. I knew she was interested in me, but I never pursued it for the reasons stated above. I was always so logical. Plus, she did have boyfriends over this period, and I had a girlfriend (the woman who is now my wife). There was one moment, when she came to visit me when I was 18, when we could've kissed. It was the moment my whole life hinged on...and I chose NOT to kiss her. It was intentional. I didn't do it. I was scared...

Well, after getting married to a good woman, but a woman who I knew I wasn't perfect for, my life became difficult. Much of my married life has been a struggle. We now have 3 children...youngest is 2, oldest is 7. If anyone sees us they'd think we're the model family...all good looking, good careers, etc. But, inside I'm so unhappy.

About four years ago I found the woman I loved so long ago on the internet and emailed her. I kind of fished to see if she felt the same way about me, but it became clear she didn't (plus, she was married by this time). So, I decided to stop emailing her.

Then, about a year ago I stumbled on to her on Facebook when I signed up for it (she is friends with other people I know). So, of course, I friended her. It was actually completely innocent...I was NOT intending anything untoward to happen. Well, our emails began to get longer and longer, and more frequent and more frequent. Then, in February, we chatted (not voice, just text) on Skype...and even though we only did it four times, it was like something just exploded in my heart. I fell for her...and she fell for me. But, I knew it was wrong, so at the end of March I decided to end it (I actually tried to end it a few times)...but, after going through hell during the times we tried, I just gave up, because I realized that I do truly love her. That I did marry the wrong woman...and I should've married her. We've been in touch almost daily ever since (it's now been a couple of months), and last week we talked on the phone for the first time in probably 13 or 14 years. We only talked for 12 minutes...but, I just know I made the wrong choice so many years ago...

But, now I don't know what to do. I do love my wife...and we have three kids. She also has two kids and a husband who loves her. I just don't know what to do...

I think I would leave my family for her...it would blow my entire existence out of the water, but I would do it. I made the biggest mistake of my life at 18 and now I'm trying to correct it. I do fear that I am willing to give her everything...but, that she might not be willing to do the same for me...which, of course, would leave me with nothing but heartache. I just don't know what to do...

I do know if my wife finds out about the emotional affair she would likely leave me. This isn't like some woman I just met...this is the woman my wife KNOWS she competed with for me all those years ago. She has even commented how surprised she was that I chose her over the other woman (I know if the other woman lived closer, I would've chosen her). Even though there's been nothing physical (we haven't even seen each other in 15 years), the emotional betrayal will be devastating. I just do NOT know what to do...

Do I follow my heart, a heart that has truly loved her since I was 18, or follow my duty to my family? This is agonizing...painful beyond belief...

I think it's time to ask yourself some questions. Do you really love your wife? Do you get along with your wife? If you answered yes to both questions, I would cut off all contact with this other woman. It is important to remember that the grass isn't always greener on the other side. Also ask yourself is this what your wife and children would want. If you believe in God, do you think this is what God would want? Think of all of the people you would be hurting. I have been going through a similar situation as you (going on its second year), and every time I think about cheating, I look at pictures of the people in my life (and there's a lot!) who would be upset with me for doing this. Remember, once you've made the decision to leave your wife and children, there's no going back to the way things were. Also remember that what goes around comes around. When you let so many people down in your life, it has a way of coming back to you.

I would give it a lot of thought before you decide to get together with this other woman. It sounds to me like you already know the answer...the difficult part is trying to move forward. I cut off all contact with the other man back in December, and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of me. As a result of doing this, I feel more at peace and have found that things are coming together much better in my life than they have in years. I still think about him everyday and still have feelings for him, but I know that if I left my husband and daughter for this man, it would have been a huge mistake. I love my husband and I think of him as my best friend, and I would never want to hurt my daughter by going off and being with this other man. I think that if there's any way that you can work on your marriage, I would go for it. Every person I've talked to about my situation has given me this same advice..this is coming from both married and divorced people. I wish you the best of luck...I know it's hard, it's been one of the most difficult things for me to have to go through.

my husband had a 3 year affair with another woman....when i found out i confronted both of them and they both said it would be over......now its 4 years later and they still communicate by phone, email and other means...he is working overseas for the past 2 years and i found out by snooping in his email, thats they are still in touch and its not platonatic conversations they are having....he calls it innocent flirting........he refuses to let it go, claiming she is just a friend now and that im making more out of it, even insisting that my nagging will push him back into her arms....claims he doesn't want her, just doesnt want to let go of the friendship..........I have threatend divorce if he cant stop talking to her and he seems to not care and point out my mistakes as a justification as to why he can keep her around.......so is he havin a emotional affair with her now since they are seperated by miles??? or just still a affair? either way it is soo hard for me to trust, love or be able to go on with this....he is due to come back home for good next month and she lives right here in town....he refuses counseling saying nothing is wrong with him, its me.

Hearing all these stories makes me reflect on my own life. I married a man that I thought was perfect in my eyes, had 2 children with him and after 5 years of marriage, I became emotionally starved since my husband works alot. I am a nurse and I began a facebook friendship with a physician that I thought was completely harmless. We would chat and send facebook messages regularly. At one point, we exchanged numbers and would text/call eachother all the time. We would flirt all the time and make sexual remarks to eachother, but it didn't seem like enough. Last night, I lied to my husband to get out of the house to meet him. We met for dinner and he took me for a drive in his car and we only had an intimate long hug. When I left last night, he told me that he longed to kiss me and that he has wanted to for some time. EA's are like a drug, once its in your system, its hard to stop wanting more to get the same effect. He asked me to dinner Thursday after work and I am having a hell of a time saying no. I don't know how I feel about my spouse anymore, but I know it doesn't give me the right to act like this. I have prayed and asked God's forgiveness but I don't know how to break this cycle of lies and deceit. I wish all of you on this site the best and want you to know that no matter how young or old you are, you are not alone in this battle :(

I am married and the married man I was having a emotional affair with just ended it this morning saying thoughts of this relationship were keeping him up at night due to all the tension. I want to respect his wishes of no more sexually enticing texts and no more plans for lunch or drinks but am in so much pain. How do you get over this? The though of no more contact is killing me.

Wow! It's amazing to read all these posts and to see myself in them. I have been married 21 years and have been having an EA with my high school sweetheart since Oct., having reconnected over facebook. I have become an emotional mess over this. I know my husband and I have had many problems over the years communicating at a level that met my needs, and I easily fell into this. This man just seemed to know me and what I needed, and it just felt so good! It does feel like an addiction and I know what I need to do....if only I had the strength. It just hurts so much...the pain is unbearable. I can no longer imagine my life without him in it. Please pray for me.....I need help!

thanks for this article and thanks for everyone sharing. I'll share mine as well.. I'm a guy who fought hard to win the affection of my wife for years.. we had broken up twice, as she didn't think I was the type to stay with. We were married last year and were doing fine up until about 3 months ago. I suspected she was running around on me, and of course that for some reason makes people want to retaliate.. which I was easy to do with a girl from my job. Yes it makes you feel alive, that rush of cheating possibilities of getting caught, but you also begin writing checks you can't cash.. until they find out.. And my wife did. Come to find out she never and would never cheat on me, and here I had been doing it for months. I spent days crying.. yes a man crying.. because I lost sight of all that I had with my wife when nothing was going on. If I had just talked to her, had a one on one with honesty then I could have found out she wasn't cheating and we could have worked on things that had gone bad in our relationship. And now we have to work on a whole new thing, because I got so involved with this other person and not sure how to get out of it. I go to work and see this girl and I want so bad to be a part of it all over again, even though I know in my heart I can't. Because I started to get feelings for this other girl, began to mean it when we kissed, and thought about her more than my own wife. You almost create a new personality to deal with things, the new one tells you not to worry, you can cheat, it's fine til you get caught.. keep going and do what you want. UGH! Cheating and affairs all that, is best done by people who have no heart and soul, because they can live with it, even if they never or do get caught. The rest of us look in the mirror and wonder what we have done to the one we love, and ourselves, scared to even face another day. Now I know from all what I've read about here and other sites, I need to just walk away. No longer can I talk to this girl, send text messages, emails, I need to focus on what's important, I need to keep my mind busy with friends who I ignored for so long, and work on forgiving myself.

Last year I reconnected with an old friend from college on Facebook. But the 2 hour drive, work and family commitments got in the way of any chance of reuniting in person for the first time in years. Prior to that, once in a while we'd talk on the phone and got to know her better over the months. Learned she was working on her 3rd divorce, and being married myself in a relatively stable and drama-free marriage, I didn't think much of anything more than being friends.

But my marriage isn't perfect... in the 9 years since I met my wife, we've evolved more or less into roommates who have hurry-up and get it over with sex maybe once a month out of obligation - and her continual rejections to my flirtations and advances created an emotional void in our marriage but I learned to live with it.

4 months ago fate intervened with a new job assignment an hour away from home (and an hour away from hers)... with the added bonus of a branch office being 5 minutes from her home. That she's a teacher afforded time to see her when school is on break. So we finally reunited and over time the friendship evolved. There was a mutual attraction with similar interests. Given both of our marital situations, discussions of unmet needs came to the surface - but never crossed the line in terms of talking about sex (the lack of sex in our lives was pretty much a given). We started talking or texting on a nearly daily basis and I stopped by when I was in the area whenever possible. The distance from home meant some over night stays at a nearby hotel to deal with after-hours work issues meaning not having to leave by 5 to get home in time for dinner.

At first it stayed light and cordial, but I could sense her longing for male companionship to fill some emotional needs - that and being handy, offered to help with some small projects at the house she recently bought. While I did try to keep things platonic, there was no denying what was slowly evolving between us. Then one night after a few drinks we got caught up in the moment, were snuggling and making out like teenagers for a few hours. The feeling was wonderful. Of course - during all this we were both questioning the moral implications of it, but were too caught up in the moment to stop and continued. On the way back to my car at the end of the night I said to myself "what am I doing?".

Finally about 2 weeks later (today in fact), I had to call her out on it. She's been at the forefront of my mind since then, my appetite was all but gone and I have been losing weight quickly, I'm guarding my cell phone with my life, and while my marriage isn't perfect - I wasn't about to completely wreck it over a 3-time divorcee who's marriages had average shelf lives of 12-18 months. We're the same age - and I've been married for over 7 yrs with 2 kids for a reason, while her marriage track record stands for a reason as well.

The good thing is we're both on the same page. I don't want to lose the good friend I found in her after all these years since college - so I think we made the right decision to end the affair before things got too far but continue the friendship. I think we caught it in time before we got to the point of no return. I know I did the right thing because if this turned into a full blown affair - people would get hurt, and being a friend, I didn't want to be the cause of more pain in her life since these things things usually end up with the wife winning out over the affair.

2 years ago I did have a full blown affair with a co-worker for about 8 months, and while my wife never found out, I couldn't take the stress of it any more and ended it. I thought I had learned from that experience and vowed never to go there again. But that's another story for another day.

She did apologize for misleading me (even though that wasn't her intention), and she's said herself that she's not ready for a new relationship with anyone at this point as she needs to rebuild her life, create new social connections for herself and focus on raising her kids. While she wished I was single so things would be easier - she knows it would be a long time before she could move on to something beyond dating.

But honestly, I do feel a bit sad in that I am stepping back from the line. I saw a glimmer of hope of having a truly happier life with her if some day my wife and I divorced, but I also knew I was living in a fantasy world and would just be stringing her along indefinitely until things had to end. I developed feelings for her but at the end of the day - I still have a wife and kids to go home to.

Never easy but I think at the end of the day I did the right thing.

I was having an emotional affair with a man who was planning to get married. He loves his fiance, that was never in question. it ended yesterday when an over obsessed ex boyfriend of mine (whom I have not been together with for months) hacked into my email. He then somehow found out the woman's last name (even I did not have this information) and took printouts in person to her.
I knew what I was doing was wrong, and I take full responsibilty for that.
We had a history in the past, we dated years ago, this was not something that was meant to be... we didnt just meet in a chat room. I loved him then, and carried that love for years. somehow I convinced myself that since nothing physical had happened that we wouldnt be hurting anyone.
Last night before I deleted everything in my email account I found myself crying uncontrollably. not for the love that I had lost (although that pain is deep, but insignificant) but as I read through the contents of these emails, I imagined what this poor woman must be feeling.
Ive been cheated on, and there is no pain in the world like it! I feel so guilty and just want everything to work out for him. he has cut all ties with me, understandably... but I have no way of knowing if things are going to work out for him.
His happiness is most important to me.
I will miss him dearly. I have a painting from him on my wall that I cant even bear to look at let alone take down so I can stop thinking about him. how do I just forget about him?

I was having an emotional affair with a man who was planning to get married. He loves his fiance, that was never in question. it ended yesterday when an over obsessed ex boyfriend of mine (whom I have not been together with for months) hacked into my email. He then somehow found out the woman's last name (even I did not have this information) and took printouts in person to her.
I knew what I was doing was wrong, and I take full responsibilty for that.
We had a history in the past, we dated years ago, this was not something that was meant to be... we didnt just meet in a chat room. I loved him then, and carried that love for years. somehow I convinced myself that since nothing physical had happened that we wouldnt be hurting anyone.
Last night before I deleted everything in my email account I found myself crying uncontrollably. not for the love that I had lost (although that pain is deep, but insignificant) but as I read through the contents of these emails, I imagined what this poor woman must be feeling.
Ive been cheated on, and there is no pain in the world like it! I feel so guilty and just want everything to work out for him. he has cut all ties with me, understandably... but I have no way of knowing if things are going to work out for him.
His happiness is most important to me.
I will miss him dearly. I have a painting from him on my wall that I cant even bear to look at let alone take down so I can stop thinking about him. how do I just forget about him?

My EA recently broke it off with me. And he wasn't nice about it. He denied ever having feelings for me, yet freely told me I had feelings for him. However, I have over 900 emails from him over the course of the last nine months and none of mine said anything more emotional than any of his replies. His break up email to me was written from a newly created/secret email account. I suspect his wife got wind of our relationship, though he denies she knew anything. So...I don't entirely get what has gone on, nor will I ever, probably. I have yet to reply to his break-up email, so as far as he knows, I may never have gotten it. However, even with all of that, I miss this guy incredibly. When we were going, we were on. His was my emotional rock. Though we never talked "romance" we talked life - sports, family, school, jobs, trips, houses. I shared more with him than I did any one person in my life (including my own husband) and I know I knew more about what was going on w/ him than his wife did. I know what I did (getting hooked on someone that wasn't my spouse) was wrong, but regardless, I MISS HIM. How can I help the hurt go away? Should I reply back to his break-up email??? I have lost my best friend and had my heart ripped out. I think about him and what he was in my life all the time. I realize, it's OVER between us, but just feel so empty...and with no closure on my end. Plus, I feel he ended it so heartlessly...and his last email was just accusatory, egocentric and...he lied in it. Help.

To the guest that wrote on 9/4/10: I just wanted to write to say "sorry" because I know how you feel. Although ours didn't end in the same way, I know the feeling of missing someone you feel is your best friend & with whom you can share anything. My EA and I ended our affair almost a year ago but I do still have to see him at work every week. Its been one of the toughest years of my life to still maintain a friendship & try to get over him. He has been amazing to me and never rejected me. BUT...I will say that I am feeling that you are right & his wife must have found out about. She probably required no contact w/you if he wanted to stay w/her. I am certain his feelings for you are still strong but he is being defensive to make it easier in his mind to break up. They say "no contact" is the only way to get over it & I believe this to be true since I am still heartbroken after a year since we still have to see each other.

If I were you, I would either not reply to him at all. Because, the reality is that what he wrote was terrible & it would be best not to respond to that. Otherwise, I would write a short email back just saying, "I will miss you and never forget you". This lets him know your true feelings & isn't being mean back to him.

This is going to be a very hard year ahead for you but I have to say that no contact IS better. I cant' tell u the pain I've been thru this past year. And, I have to stay at this job for another 2 years, so its not going to end for me for a long time.

Best of luck to you.

I am the wife of a man engaged in an emotional affair. We have two daughters, and althought our marriage is not perfect, it has always been vibrant and we laugh and have a lot of fun together (he says this, as well). He began his EA 9 months ago. He pulled away from me and claimed he had been unhappy for years with me, but he'd never said a word. I went to counseling to do all I could to save our marriage and be the wife he wanted. 7 months later I found the emails to her - 12 years younger than him, beautiful, naive little thing. He would only confirm what I had proof of but promised to break it off. I agreed to not leave him and we began working on fixing things. 2 months later, I find out it had been going on for months longer than he admitted. He swore it had ended when he said it did but admitted it has started before he would originally admit. Then 2 weeks later, just 2 weeks ago, I found his text records. There were thousands of texts between them for month, and he never had ended it. I am so crushed and I don't trust him at all. The worst part has been the assurance he's given over the last 2 months that it was over and he was committed to me. I feel empty now. Reading these posts has almost assured me he is not going to be able to get over her, and there is not room in my marriage for 3. I think the only choice is to end it and he can be with her, as I assume he has always wanted. I wish he had just left me in the first place.

I wrote here almost 2 years ago,19/11/2008,about the effects of my soon to be ex husbands' emotional affair on our family. I would just like to post an update of how things have changed since then for all of us.
My children and I are fine.My daughter made me a a very happy granny three months ago and my son is a second year of university.I am studying to become a psychotherapist. My very dear friend,whom I have known for 20 years has become more than a friend,he is someone I can share all ups and downs of life with. He makes me smile by bringing me a Granny Smith apple every time we meet,I am addicted to them.
And the husband,well sadly, his girlfriend of 4 years left him,he was 17 years older than her and she wanted more from life. He is with someone else now,again much younger than him. Last conversation I had with him was all about how unhappy he is and what a great friend I am to him and above all else,he could always trust me to have his best interest at hart (he repeated that to our daughter too:"mum is my best friend"- shame I can not return the compliment).
Our son has stopped having any meaningfull conversation with his father,he says that yes,he does have a father but not a dad,he grew up in one parent family and all his needs were met by me,so his father is a surpluss.
Our daughter does speak to her father but again relations are strained due to his neglect of her when she needed him the most.She says she would like him in her and her daughters' life but not at any cost,he will have to prove himself to her first before she lets him in.She wants to be sure that he has changed and has got his priorities in order, because as she says, she has her daughters' emotional wellbeing to consider too.
So,all in all,things are looking good for us and not so good for the husband.
All I can say is that it makes me sad that his emotional, and later sexuall affairs did not make him happy. He is still searching for that elusive 'something' that keeps escaping him at every turn. He caused so much pain to our family unnecessarilly, it is a shame that he was not stronger at the time and had dealt with his unhappiness in a different way,perhaps going to counselling or therapy,it would have been more productive in a long run for all concerned, but most of all him. He sounds so empty and sad when we do talk on the phone that it actually makes me feel sorry that a man I loved,respected and believed in has come to that stage in his life.I wish him all the strength in the world to pull through.

I wonder if anyone will respond. I need serious help! I am meeting my "friend" or "lover" for the last this to say bye in person. We are both married and know it is not possible to be with each other. Although we never said I love you to each other, I know he does. I need some advice please! My conscience is telling me I need to leave him alone before we take it further. Thanks

The best way to end it all is to stop, discontinue and never, never, never communicate again. Use all your energy, efforts and love to repair what has been broken.

I have been dealing with this same issue with my husband. He thinks that he can remain friends, give her compliments, joke around with her, ask her for help when he needs it and I'm suppose to go along with it like it's okwell I am not comfortable with this at all. He just doesn't get why it bothers me and I'm the one that's wrong to think anything of it. I forgot to mention the woman is my cousin. I'm so frustrated at times. It's not because I'm jealous. I just don't want to be played for a fool!

thank you.this really helped

I am in so much pain right now. I caught her having an emotional affair, and moved away from her, to find out she spent the entire time on the phone with him even while i was away. this mistake of thinking "hes just a friend" is a lie to ones own self. No responsibility or accountability for oneself. Just saying anything to justify it to themselves. Then imagine being told the problem was ME. Its like dealing with a psychopath completely devoid of personal respect.

Thanks for putting this up. That's really helpful.

I think I've started to go through the beginnings of one of these recently. It started off as what I first thought to be harmless emailing with somebody I recently met online. I thought at the start 'What's the harm? It's not like I'm planning to ask the guy out or anything so I'm not really being unfaithful to my boyfriend" But later I realised I'd just been kidding myself. Deep down I knew before even first contacting him in this way I was feeling emotionally attracted to him to some degree. Even if I planned not to act on the feelings, that should have been my red warning flag not to start having personal conversations with him. I ignored the first stirrings of doubt, rationalised to myself what I was doing was totally harmless, and started to do it anyway. I soon realised how wrong I'd been. All it took was a few days of messaging this person every day for this to start fast developing into a full blown addictive habit. Despite having approached conversations in a platonically friendly way, I know this is not how I'm feeling towards the person and I'm also having my strong doubts this is how he's feeling towards me given certain recent things that he's said. I've been through the problems of being attracted to people other than my partner before before and finding it a struggle to deal with. But I was seriously unprepared for the subtlety with which this problem snuck up on me. Luckily I did recognise it as being an issue pretty early on though - partly with the help of this site - and then when I got an unexpected message last week from the person strongly suggesting he was interested in me romantically I realised things had gone too far. I've come clean with my boyfriend and am currently taking a long break from communicating with this person till I feel stronger. And then when I do talk to him again am going to have to make it clear conversations of a personal nature won't be continuing like before. It's going to be hard, as I'm still feeling attracted to this guy right now and he's still on my mind lots. Though I've successfully not contacted him for 6 days I'm finding the withdrawal feelings very hard to deal with and at a great danger of slipping with the NC rule which is meaning I'm having to be on guard against my feelings pretty much 24/7. The pre-existing problems in my relationship that contributed towards this problem development haven't disappeared. They're still there and are going to continue to be till one way or the other my boyfriend and I have worked how to deal with them. But at the same time I know it has to be done. This isn't a healthy thing for me or a good/fair thing to my boyfriend. And certainly not a good, healthy or fair thing for the other person either. I' really hoping that in around another week or two my head will be much clearer and dealing with this as I need to will then be easier. I still can't believe I've gotten myself into this mess or that it's happened so fast in just a few days :-(. This is such a horribly confusing thing to go through. I wouldn't wish it on anybody!

I am trying to stop my emtional affair, but it is so difficult. She is a source of understanding btween my work issues and my marriage issues. She does not know how attached i have become. She is close to me, but not like i am to her.

I keep wanting to talk to her, but feel if i told her the truth, i would also lose her as a friend and workmate. Everytime I get the courage i only tell her part of the story. i do not want to upset her.

I was (maybe still am) involved in an emotional affair. I am married and had a "special friend" at work. My advice to anyone going through this is to be straight with yourself, be honest with your spouse what's been going on in your head (although I'm not sure all marriages could withstand that much honesty), and stop the intimate behaviors with the friend immediately. Don't expect your feelings for your friend to stop right away though - they won't. They may even intensify because of the "withdrawal effect." But, like withdrawals from any drug (and an emotional affair feels just like a drug because it gets you "high"), they will fade, and eventually end. Don't kid yourself that you can go back to being "buddies" with your friend. Once Pandora's box has been opened, it can't be closed. In my case, I told my friend that what I'd been doing was having an emotional affair with him, and I asked him to stop all personal communication. It's been difficult to stop the communication - but it's doable. And if No Contact (is that what everyone is referring to when they type "NC"?) isn't possible because you have to work with the person, then No Emotional Contact (NEC?) is the next best thing. One more thing : I honestly don't know whether the connection I have with my friend is as real as it feels - but it doesn't really matter. Exploring it is not an option, so I'm leaving it behind - going back to my husband (the one I KNOW I love) and my life - and moving on. I can't wait to get my life completely back. And I know I will. The memory will fade to black.

I am in a very good, but imprefect, marriage, and trying to end a 6-month emotional affair I have been having with a friend from 35 years ago. She has "been there" at 2 pivotal times in my life, twice reminded me that I deserve to be happy, and twice given me a push through a sticky spot in the road. I will be grateful for her, and our connecciton, for all my life. We mutually agreed to end it because neither of us wants to hurt the other. Nontheless, the loss seems greater than any I remember from any breakup in the past. I guess it gives me a nearly-free preview of how heartbroken I would feel if my primary relationship were to end.

I've fallen into this trap too. I work with a young woman who is almost old enough to be my daughter. I'm not sure how it happened, but we have formed a bond. I am not certain if what she feels for me is platonic or if she has romantic feelings for me as well. She has told me I am her favorite person at work and the reason she likes coming to work. We flirt a lot and we stare into each other's eyes often (I have never done this with a person before, not even my wife—its addicting). I have never admitted my feelings to this girl, though I am tempted to do so. This emotional affair took hold when my wife and I were at a low point. My wife discovered my “crush” and it hurt her. We went to work strengthening our marriage and I thought my little affair would subside. It didn't. My feelings actually grew. My wife thought I was getting over this girl as well and just recently realized that I still liked her. I realized I had not been proactive about getting over her, but will be from now on. I thought it would be easy, but it is not. When I backed off, I could tell it had hurt my 'crush.' It was killing me. I was able to keep it up for only a short time. I try my best to keep away from her, but every moment is pure hell. When she is near, I can not resist the urge to laugh with her and stare into her eyes. I thought this type of thing was something that only naive teenagers went through. It is very difficult to get over her and there is so much for me to lose if I follow through with the temptation. I have my wife and two little girls. How did this happen to me? Thank you for all your stories. It helps to hear them.

My husband is having an emotional affair. I just found out. I am fearful of confronting him and tempted to contact the other person. I know I will do neither. The other person does not know he is married because he has either not admitted to being married, or he has lied about our relationship.

The problem is that he is completely good to me - to my face - and at home. He is doting, loving, helpful and giving. I don't understand his need to pretend that I don't exist, but the fact that I know he is pretending I don't exist is taking a severe toll on me emotionally. I think that's the worst part of it.

He is obviously so confident, that he became careless. I don't really care if that's a sign of him wanting to get caught or not. I just want him to realize that what he's doing is wrong. We have been together for almost 11 years and, like a lot of married people, have a lot vested together.

I'm open to suggestions, but please spare the attacks. I needed a place to express what I just discovered and I found this site.

I am having an emotional affair, that has been physical in the past. It has lasted over 4 years. A former co-worker, and now current work partner. I have been married for 8 years, so half of my marriage has been shared with an emotional affair with another man. He is recently divorced. My husband is either totally unaware, or in denial about it. I love my husband, and I will not leave him. He is innocent, and has done nothing wrong. But I do not feel emotionally connected to him...and I wonder if that is why my heart was ripe for straying in the first place. We have grown into very different people, and find very little to connect on these days. My emotional partner and I have agreed to end it, and to just communicate on a limited, platonic basis (we have to for work, or else I would cut it off completely). I know I did "the right thing" by ending it, but it is the most painful thing I have ever done. I pushed away the love of my life, my absolute soul mate, the one person who effortlessly understands me, because I want to "do the right thing" and stay in a lifelong relationship with a man I cannot emotionally connect with. I know it is wrong, but it's difficult not to feel like this emptiness that I will probably always feel, is my punishment. I've been working on the difficult task of teaching myself to be happy with what I have. I'm not. I am filled with sadness, and don't know if it will ever end.