It's only natural that your kids are a little bit apprehensive about your dating life. After all, the mere fact that you're "out there" means you aren't going to get back together with your ex-spouse. This dashes their hopeful fantasies about a family reunion.
More than that, how do you find people that are okay with children? Following are some points to help you succeed.
Acknowledge Your Children's Fears
After the turmoil of a divorce, many children feel as if their parents dating lives interfere with the time that parent has to spent with him or her. To combat this, reassure your children that you love them and want to spend as much quality time with them as possible.
Let them know, however, that there may be times when you need to go out and see your friends. Using the term "friend" as opposed to "date" helps the child understand your need for social time.
Introducing Your Date
When deciding to introduce your date, rather than length of time (such as five dates or three months), view your new relationship as lasting or temporary. If it's temporary, do not introduce your date to your children.
If you are unsure whether your relationship will become serious, wait a bit longer before you make introductions. This way your children will only meet the people that mean a great deal to you.
Leave (and Arrive) Alone
Rather than having your date pick you up, opt to drive by yourself and meet him or her out. This way your children won't have to deal with someone new at your door, and you won't get frustrated explaining things to them. Just tell your kids you are "going out" and leave it at that.
Don't Force Your Kids, But Insist on Respect
It's difficult for children to see their parents move in with someone new, but it is a fact of life. Proceed wisely with your dating life, but don't apologize for it. Children need to know that you are human and deserve a loving relationship. If your children are making fun of you or disrespecting your date, gently tell them you will not accept this behavior.
Don't Make Promises About Dating
Whether you date or not is ultimately your business. You have a responsibility to be a great parent, but resist the urge to give in to their fears with promises that you won't date or remarry. It's not fair to you and when your kids are older they will understand that.
Be an Example for Your Children
It's one thing to talk to your kids about how things were when you dated, it's another to show them first-hand. To that end, be sensitive to the message your are sending your children.
Look at yourself objectively to see if you are being hypocritical or contrary to what you might wish to teach your children. For example, if you tell them premarital sex is a not okay, then you should not practice it either. Your children will hold up the decisions you make while dating as a mirror to you when it comes time for your rules to apply to them.
The months after a divorce are an especially vulnerable time for people, and some folks jump into a new relationship a bit too fast following the breakup of their marriage. You owe it to yourself (and your children) to take your time and find the one person who will treat you well and make you happy. Remember that it's better not to be in a relationship than to be in a bad one.
Cherie Burbach - Cherie Burbach writes about dating, relationships, health, sports, and lifestyle. She's the author of eleven books and ebooks.
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